FeMaLeS

feeling her next to me, as opposed to him. its a nice thing to be able to say. she's so smooth under my finger tips. so graceful with her movements. feeling the curve of her hourglass figure is beautiful. her gentle touch gives me goosebumps in the best of places. she know's what she is doing. she knows how to press my buttons oh so perfectly...

CoNvErSaTiOn - My NiEcE

i sat alone in my booth. i looked at our conversation over and over. i kept analyzing it. i kept trying to make it go away in my mind. i had to find a way to make it seem as though she was lying. but in the end, i believe everything she says. i agree with everything she tells me. she's right. so i guess her and the family have good reason to hate me. i am the reason everything is fucked up. i am the reason... just listen to this. what do you think?

T- well let's see, you're psycho... because of you my grandfather almost went to jail.. not like you care or anything.. made J's life hell and probably more.. but like i said, not like you care or anything.

ME- are you kidding me?? i know i did. i fucking hate myself for it. i didn't want the fucking restraining order!! and i can't take it down. my stupid foster mom made me put it up!! why the hell would i want to do that to dad when hes done everything for me??

T- yeah you can, but you dont want to.. all the shit you wrote down about him is the reason why it is up. your not a normal teenager and why should people be nice to you when you make up lies?!?!?!?!

ME- WATT?? what fucking lies??? he did say those things to me. and he knows he did. and it scared me a lot. when i fucking opened my mouth to someone about it, they made the rest of the decisions. i can't take it down either because i would have to go through DCF whom also hate me. because of these stupid fucking mistakes i made, i'm homeless, jobless, and i dont have a family.

T- i highly doubt my grandfather did that to you. and don't call him dad cause clearly you dont care about him and he is your adopted dad.. you said he touched you and i dont fucking think he did.. the bull shit.. K raping you  but yet you would go to his house and wait for it... i wonder why they do.. they realized that you're fucking psycho.

ME- i get that everyone fucking hates my guts, ok? i know.

T- it takes looking to get a job and there are shelters.. so don't pull the pitty shit.. you had a great home and a great person to call your dad.. but you don't care about anyone but yourself...

ME- i do care!! and don't fucking say that i don't!! he did grab my ass. yes over clothes, and i did tell him to stop and he did. bit i was also told to write it. but i dont fucking care that he did. we would have worked through it if  not for my fucking foster mom who soon after kicked me out anyway.

T- fuck that.. what was this when you were little and he wanted to spank you and you took it differently.. do you know why you were taken away from your real parents??

ME- but its not like it matters to any of you. because no one wants to listen. you've all hated me from the start anyway. no. i dont know. and you dont either. so dont fucking bring my parents into this.

T- no, i loved you like a sister but when gram told me what you did, that pissed me off.. i could of lost my grandfather because of you.. you were taken away from your birth parents cause you were raped by your dad and your uncle.. when you came to MY grandparents house you were terrified of guys.. if we ordered food we had to get a girl to deliver our food and if they didn't have any girls that could drive then the driver had to stay outside.. one place did not listen and you freaked the fuck out...

ME- THATS NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!

T- they fucked up your mind state and i bed that is why when you get sexual with a guy you think its a rape when its nottt!! im sure if a guy made you suck his dick on the bus you would of done something to stop it.. that kid got expelled and that bus driver lost their job because of you. Ahhaha yesss it is.. you really think i'd lie to you.. i'm not a liar like you.. gram told me. it took you so long to get use to guys being around..

ME- its all fucking bullshit!! you're right, you're not lying. she is

T- but believe what you want.. you're crazy and you need a reality check.. so have a good day.. dont let J see you.... thats the fucking truth.. but i'm wasting my time talking to someone who wont listen.. pCe psycho

ME- you don't know anything!! I WON'T LISTEN??? the fuck are you talking about?? you're not listening!

T- clearly you dont if your still talking

ME- none of you ever have. its all bull shit. thats not why i was taken out of my home!

T- i did... but when you try to ruin my family, hell the fuck no.. your fucking stupid.

ME- i do care about everyone in that family whether you believe it or not i don't give a shit. but i do. i didn't try to ruin the family. i was protecting myself!

T- thats why my grandfather almost got locked up.. J is in job corp

ME- and now i'm the reason J has problems, too? that's great! DX

T- fuck you.. you were not protecting yourself.. you were psychotic and wanted attention. you always got him in trouble at school..

ME- of course i'm the on to blame for everything. bull shit!!!!

T- yessss you are.. open your fucking eyes and see it.. your a dumb bitch that always wanted the attention on her so you made up liessss!!!! fuck dude...

ME- i stayed away from him in school!

T- i'm done wasting my time with you.. byeee

ME- and B is lying, i have proof that nothing happened with my father and uncle! my sister's adoptive mom would know about it! so keep listening to that woman and you'll be just as well off as i am.

T- okay stfu.. you stupid

this all started long ago. when i was three i was adopted into this family. i had my parents, two younger siblings, and other foster children. i also had a biological sister who was adopted into another home because she was declared to be parentified, meaning that she acted as more of a mother towards me than she did a sister, thus it would be healthier for us to grow up in different homes. my adoptive mom used me around the house from the time i was adopted up to around the end of my freshman year of high school. up until i started to rebell i was used for chores. many of them. in general, i had to take care of pets, multiple younger children, the house, the pool, the yard, and the wood stove. there were more little things in each of these general chores. like with the house.. i had to vacuum the entire house, make around six beds every morning and occasionally change the sheets on each, wash and dry dishes, dusting the entire house, and the like. come middle school i began cutting. i was hospitalized for the first time at the end of my freshman year of high school. my high school career experienced around four to six hospitalizations for suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, self harm, post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anorexia, anxiety, and unhealthy behavior patterns. it absolutely sucked. in the past year,  a lot has happened. these winter months are the worst though.

november 2010 i was taken out of my adoptive home and put in a hospital and then into foster care. december a restraining order was put up against my dad for inappropriate behavior. january is my birthday month, but when i turned 13 in '06 my birthday had been forgotten. a month later my best friend died of cancer. i've never looked forward to my birthday since then. my best friend was technically my adoptive mom's best friend. they did everything together and had a bid of a routine by going out every monday night. but i considered her my best friend because i felt a close bond with her even though we never really talked or anything. i just felt a piece of me die the same time she did.

but basically this conversation was between me and my niece. she blames me for how the family has turned out. when i was harassed on a daily basis, multiple times per day. sometimes physical, but usually mental/verbal. i know nothing of my biological parents. but i was never told the theory that my niece told me. i even asked my sister's mom. she would know something of this magnitude. but she said she did not know, thus it is not true.

its so hard to read and reread everything in this conversation. its so hard to disagree with how she is feeling. i hate myself too. i understand. if i were any of them i'd hate me too. hell, i am me and i hate me. i'm so confused and pissed and upset. i dont know what to think. i'm having such a hard time trusting anyone. i just can't. and its mostly because i fear i am going to hurt them. i feel that that is something that i'm gifted at... hurting others. especially those i care about. even though time and time again i am told that its not true. that i dont have to worry about them. that they are there for me no matter what. and then something goes wrong and they hate me and use everything i've told them against me. i want to trust again, but i dont know if i am even capable of it anymore. its so hard. i just dont know what to do..