i DoN't HaVe To TrY

My life has been spent trying my best to stay out of the way. I don't like confrontation; I don't want confrontation. I can't handle angry energy. I just can't. I do my best to not upset anyone. But it just seems to happen. I don't have to try...

Growing up, my mom was jealous of how close I was with my dad. In stead of defending me, she abused me. It was throwing me against things, kicking/stomping on me, hitting me up until I learned how to use a phone. Then it turned into words. She knew just how to sharpen those words so that they would cut as deep as possible. There was fighting everyday. If it wasn't with me, it was with my dad about me. I couldn't escape it. I was an A/B student in school. I stayed out of trouble. I was a good kid. I did it all to show her that I was. I didn't understand at that time why she hated me so much. So I just stayed out of her way and out of her sight as much as I could. I didn't want to provoke something. But... it happened anyway. I didn't have to try.

I still have those instincts over a decade later. I still run from anger. Whether it's towards me or not. When I feel it in the air, I will keep to myself. I will hide. Doesn't matter if the anger is justified, I will react the same. I know I fuck up. I don't want anyone to hold back how they feel. It is what it is. I just have to "protect myself". When it feels like the anger has subsided I will come out of hiding and try to talk it out. But as long as I can feel it, I turn inward. When it's towards me, I will hide away behind closed doors and cry until I can't. If I can't do that, I am silent and stuck in my head in a kind of trance, "what did I do wrong? How could I have handled it better? Why am I like this? They're going to leave me now..." I will blame myself and try to fix it in my head. And go over and over in my head what to say or do next. Not that any of it likely comes out. I generally have a hard time finding words to speak. Anger has a way of finding me, I don't have to try.

Tonight, I fucked up. I shouldn't have let my frustration and feeling overwhelmed take such a strong hold on me. All I could think was to get out and drive. The child was restless, so I wanted to bring him for a ride and a walk at my calming place. Instead I just grabbed things and tried to walk out the door. It wasn't the way to do that. When you got upset, so did I. But not with you. I was mad at myself. I was mad that I upset you. And as much as I can't handle being around anger, it's just as hard for me to deal with my own. It jump starts my depression. But I did what I could to calm down. I turned on music. I cut my nails so I wouldn't cut myself. Depression hit me hard for some reason. And my brain went there. I have a difficult time getting back out of my head. Especially after crying. I hate that about me. It's so easy for me to be mad and stay mad at myself. I really don't have to try.

Know this, tho. I could never be angry with you. Or at least, I can't think of a situation that could happen to cause that. I saw that I messed up. I didn't want to do it again; not even accidentally. I know you can have a short fuse, especially when you're already stressed or upset like you were today. Just know that you are my world. You are a huge part of why I am so happy. I don't want to lose you. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love you with all I am. I don't have to try.

X

 Sick to my stomach talking to my own child all because I don't know if his father is listening. We'll call him X. X has all the control. Our child lives with him halfway across the country. One could argue that I did this to myself. I walked away from X. I lost my right to have any control. I've allowed for X to control me the way he does and use our son as a pawn to get me to follow his rules. Its not fair to our child. That's all it is.

I've tried to get our son to visit me when I lived in my home state. I lived with someone X knew and had no argument about being around, but he only visited once in 5 years. I've visited 3 times. I or my family paid for all the visitations. At this point, my life has moved me to a new state, with a new family, a new life. I am the happiest I ever thought I could be with a couple amazing people. I had a child with them recently. I have yet to tell my first child that he has a half brother because X didn't want him to know about the pregnancy. I could find reasoning to agree with that. I mean, what if something happened and the pregnancy became invalid. So I didn't say anything. But I gave birth over 3 weeks ago now. X has had some reason/excuse for telling me no. I've listened. If I were to go against his wishes I risk losing the ability to talk to my child. Tonight's excuse was that our child "has not been doing well". I tried asking why but he stopped replying. So I agreed to hold off on the introduction.

Yes! I have tried finding legal counsel! But its so difficult to find help from about 8,000 miles away and no money to put into legal counsel. I am losing my mind! I am currently angry. I just want to tell him off. Tell him the things I know. Tell him that I don't appreciate how much shit he talks about me, including in front of our child. Even when I've been alone with our child, I've never said one bad thing about X, however, he is convinced that I have and I will if given the chance. The nasty, insensitive things that he has said about me to other people, to the chicks he's screwing (because he apparently does more than one 'relationship' at a time), to and around our child... It astounds me. 

I shouldn't feel anxious and sick to my stomach every time I reach out to try to talk to my child. The chance that I have to talk to X makes me want to cry. I can't handle this much longer. I need to find help. I need to do something. But I'm scared. I'm scared I'll lose my child. I'm scared of X.

mOrTaLiTy

Mortality is something that crosses everyone's mind, especially the later in life you get. I think about it on a near daily basis. 

Sometimes it's my own. Will I make it through today? Is that car that's swerving going to hit me? Is today the day I end it myself? I don't like how dark my mind gets. I have kind of grown accustomed to it. It's just how my brain programmed itself over the many years of abuse and neglect. There are days I am just tired. Tired of being tired. It's near daily, but I function. I can do my chores. I can care for the dogs, for my people, for my child. I'm starting to get back in the swing of things. I see at least another week of pain and discomfort after pregnancy, but then I should be able to fully function the way I am supposed to. To take pressure off my people. I know it's not normal to thi k about or imagine your own death on a daily basis, especially when you're only just getting into your 30s. But I've always done it. I always have a plan. I just keep it tucked away. I keep it away from the people I care about. I don't want to die. It's just in my head. 

Sometimes it's my peoples'. I chose to be with people that have more milage than me. I chose to create a life with them. I chose to love them. I believe age is just a number. I've never related with anyone more than I have with them. Maybe I'm just more mature than most for my age. I don't know. But I've never wanted people in my life as much as I want them. As much as I need them. Knowing how much farther in life they are scares me. I catch myself wondering what I'm going to do with myself when they're gone. I try not to keep on that train of thought for too long, though. If I do I break down. I can't imagine what life would be like losing either one of them. I have no idea how I would cope. They are my people. They have my heart and soul. I would break if I lost either of them. Daily I realize it. I try to plan what I might do, where I might go if they go before me. 

Here I go again, crying. Thinking I could lose them one day. It hurts. It makes me feel like a hole is forming in my soul. But that's life. I do my best to just cherish the time I do have with them. Everyday I convince myself that they'll be here forever. That nothing can take them from me. We have so many adventures to experience together. So many memories to make. I won't let mortality define who I love; who I choose to spend my life with. 

pOsTpArTuM vS dEpPrEsSiOn

 

I don't know for sure if it's postpartum. It's been nine days since he was born. I'm not having any bad thoughts towards him, and I know that's a big symptom. I just don't feel myself. I don't feel right. I can't seem to sleep when I have the opportunity. I have no appetite. None. Nothing sounds appealing. The thought of food makes me nauseous. And I want to cry. I have no reason. I just want to cry.

I want to talk to my people. I want to let them know. But they already worry enough, especially with the little one. Plus I have no reason to be so off. It's not stopping me from functioning, though the lack of food is making me physically weak and dizzy at times. I don't know how I'd even bring it up.

"Hey. I'm feeling a bit off and I don't know why. I want to sit in bed and cry til I pass out." It sounds so stupid. It sounds like I'm looking for attention. I'm not. I don't want attention. I don't want anything. I just want to make it through each day. Just take everything a day at a time. 

I'm so damn tired.

I'm so damn weak.

I just want to be ok. For them. For him. 

I can do that. I can do this. Just need to force feed myself. Just need to make myself sleep. Just need to be there for my boy when he needs to be cleaned or fed. Just need to take this new chapter a day at a time. What else can I do? ... Hell, if I'm truely asking this, what do I expect them to be able to do? They can't help. I don't really want to talk. And when I do, I know I sound like a bitch. I know I sound like I'm giving attitude... I don't want to bring them down anymore.