X

 Sick to my stomach talking to my own child all because I don't know if his father is listening. We'll call him X. X has all the control. Our child lives with him halfway across the country. One could argue that I did this to myself. I walked away from X. I lost my right to have any control. I've allowed for X to control me the way he does and use our son as a pawn to get me to follow his rules. Its not fair to our child. That's all it is.

I've tried to get our son to visit me when I lived in my home state. I lived with someone X knew and had no argument about being around, but he only visited once in 5 years. I've visited 3 times. I or my family paid for all the visitations. At this point, my life has moved me to a new state, with a new family, a new life. I am the happiest I ever thought I could be with a couple amazing people. I had a child with them recently. I have yet to tell my first child that he has a half brother because X didn't want him to know about the pregnancy. I could find reasoning to agree with that. I mean, what if something happened and the pregnancy became invalid. So I didn't say anything. But I gave birth over 3 weeks ago now. X has had some reason/excuse for telling me no. I've listened. If I were to go against his wishes I risk losing the ability to talk to my child. Tonight's excuse was that our child "has not been doing well". I tried asking why but he stopped replying. So I agreed to hold off on the introduction.

Yes! I have tried finding legal counsel! But its so difficult to find help from about 8,000 miles away and no money to put into legal counsel. I am losing my mind! I am currently angry. I just want to tell him off. Tell him the things I know. Tell him that I don't appreciate how much shit he talks about me, including in front of our child. Even when I've been alone with our child, I've never said one bad thing about X, however, he is convinced that I have and I will if given the chance. The nasty, insensitive things that he has said about me to other people, to the chicks he's screwing (because he apparently does more than one 'relationship' at a time), to and around our child... It astounds me. 

I shouldn't feel anxious and sick to my stomach every time I reach out to try to talk to my child. The chance that I have to talk to X makes me want to cry. I can't handle this much longer. I need to find help. I need to do something. But I'm scared. I'm scared I'll lose my child. I'm scared of X.