wHo I aM

if i live to be a hundred

and never see true happiness

that'll be alright

if i don't make to age twenty

if i never have a family

i'm gonna be just fine

'cause i know exactly who i am

i am a really fucked up person

the mistake and failure to my mother

and when the day is done

i am still my biggest fan

sometimes i'm bitchy and i'm hopeless

but i've got me who hates me

and i dont know just where i stand

its all a part of me

and thats who i am

so when i make a big mistake

when i'm fucked over for things i never did

i know i'll be alright

should my arm and leg be broken

i will cry those teardrops knowin'

i am just a failure

'cause nothin' changes who i am

i am a really fucked up person

the mistake and failure to my mother

and when the day is done

i am still my biggest fan

sometimes i'm bitchy and i'm hopeless

but i've got me who hates me

and i dont know just where i stand

its all a part of me

and thats who i am

i'm a bitch and i'm an asshole

i'm a loser, i'm a failure

i am doubtful and unstable

i am dumb and i will screw up

i am a really fucked up person

the mistake and failure to my mother

and when the day is done

i am still my biggest fan

sometimes i'm bitchy and i'm hopeless

but i've got me who hates me

and i dont know just where i stand

its all a part of me

and thats who i am

i am a really fucked up person

the mistake and failure to my mother

and when the day is done

i am still my biggest fan

sometimes i'm bitchy and i'm hopeless

but i've got me who hates me

and i dont know just where i stand

its all a part of me

and thats who i am

oRgAsMiC

thrusting. moaning. that feeling in your gut that something amazing is about to happen. so intense the feeling spreads through the body. squirming. panting. still the motions continue. you feel it there. just out of reach. you move faster with more pressure. groaning. sighing. screaming. the deed is done. and out it comes. your first orgasm. you lie there motionless taking in the feeling of accomplishment and contentment. nothing could possibly be better than this feeling. you look up at the ceiling, dazed. he leans over you grinning. you smile back. he runs his fingers down the full length of your body. every place his hand would go, that amazing feeling would follow. it was impossible to stop it. you try pushing him away as you feel you can not handle it. he pushes your hands away with little effort and continues caressing your entire body. you continue moaning with pure pleasure. how could this be real? its amazing. its breathtaking. its wonderful. its addicting. its orgasmic.

TrYiNg

"you're a bitch." "you tell nothing but lies." "you've ruined the lives of the people who loved you." "you're psychotic." "you're worthless." "your stupid." and now "you're alone." ... yes. yes. true. true. maybe i am all these things. maybe i enjoy being these things. or maybe i just can't mold the way they want me to. i try. and i try. but i can't. i can't be who they want me to be. they harass and abuse me to the point where i am a different person, but never the person that they want me to be. i could keep trying. i could keep hoping that something will change. but then i will be doing the same over and over expecting different results. that would make me crazy? insane? psychotic? i don't know the word. i don't really care either. all i know is by trying over and over and expecting the same thing makes me look like the idiot. whereas it should be the people making me try are the stupid ones. no one should be controlled to the extent that i have been. it's not right. its not healthy. but these people can't be changed. they have already molded themselves to be who they are. there is no way you will get them to listen to you. to have them hear your side of the story. it just doesn't work that way. trust me. i've tried.

aNsWeRs

can you see it? the look in her eyes. the look that says, "i want out" "i want help" and yet she doesn't know how to get it? looking out in the distance as she always does, just hoping that the answer will be there. somewhere. she wants to know why to everything. but no one has been able to tell her. determination setting in. but still scared to take that first step forward.

sHaDoW

do you recognize this? do you know who it is? how close has he gotten to you? this, this is a hooded shadow person. i know that is obvious, but it  is what they are called. so many believe its a figment of one's imagination or that they're just seeing things that aren't really there. well, that's false. he is known to be hell on earth. he is not the devil. he is a minion. he likes to scare you. when you start to notice more, he gets closer. but it is really hard to ignore something like this. the closer he gets, the weaker you get, the easier it is for him to take over. take over your soul, your body, your mind. if you see him in your dream, it could be a warning of something that is going to happen soon. if he is there, look around at scenery, figure out where you are and what is going on. it will help you to prevent whatever is going to happen. he never shows up for happy occasions unless he plans on ruining them. as he has so many times in the past to so many innocent people.

CoMpLeXiTy

its so complex. i can't follow it. my mind is thinking about way to many thoughts than possible to actually make sense. i sit hear trying. unwilling to move. i want it to make sense. i want to understand. im thinking about so much. but i dont know what it is i am thinking of. i don't get it. is there something wrong with me? i can't take it. i dont like this. why wont it stop? make it go away. someone. please.

tRuE sToRy

the poor mother cat kept licking the kittens, hoping it would rivive the kittens. according to the family that adopted the stray cat, on the morning of the 11th when they heard the cat's tragic cries, they rushed downstairs to discover this stray cat's four kittens abused to death. and even placed in front of the mother cat. the kittens' bodies were covered with bullet holes, with blood all over. one of the kittens had its neck tied with a rope and elongated, its chest cut open, heart exposed, while the other three kittens heads were stepped on.
i HATE the human race.

HiM

is that him? is that the ever loving lord showing the world his never-ending grace? is it him? is it? if so, send him a message for me. i have lost faith in him. he has abandoned me and left me to rot on this earth. i have no hope. i have no one. it is said that he is my father. if this is the case, then i am an orphan. i have nothing to say to him. nothing to ask. nothing to wish for. i am done believing. i am done relying on someone who gives me nothing but hell. yes, the great lord above has caused me to live in an equivalent to hell. nothing seems to get better, only worse. who is he to choose who deserves certain treatment. what the hell have i done to him? what the hell have i done to anyone for that matter? he has upset me and lost my trust. if he wants it back, if i matter at all, then he will have to do something pretty big to make up for all the lost time.

UnFoRgEtAbLe NiGhT

no clothes to separate us. feeling you so close to me. acknowledging that you are here with me and not anyone else. i feel your breath as you lean down to kiss my eager lips. i feel your hands caress my back. i feel so safe. so wanted. i dont want this moment to end. i want time to stop so we may stay this way forever. i press myself to you. unable to keep myself at such a distance any longer. you hold me to you. i press my head to your chest to hear your heart beating strong and steady. i look at the ripples surrounding our naked bodies. i smile. you lift my chin up with your strong hands so i am looking you in the eyes. and you whisper in my ear what i have been longing to hear all night. i feel something roll down my face, unsure if its water or a tear. i smile up at you as you lean down to kiss me again. i kiss you back. i could tell the love we felt for each other was visible from a distance. we pull away and look at each other. our faces were blank, but our eyes were connected and talking for a few moments. i smile up at you and you down at me. again we kiss and begin to slide down into the water. i think to myself, "this is the night i will never forget".

WhAt If?

he likes someone. someone other than me. it's upsetting. i guess i am jealous. though i dont want to admit it. its just a crush. it'll go away, right? but what if it could be me? what if he could see how i feel? what if i was the one he saw in his heart? i can't tell him though. our friendship could be jeopardized. i dont want that. i enjoy the conversations. i enjoy the laughs. i enjoy everything. except the fact that he likes another.

MiRrOr

looking in the mirror i see nothing. i see worthlessness. i see someone helpless. someone who needs help. more help than anyone can give. if no one can help is it worth sticking around? is it worth living? im just feeling like there is nothing worth living for. i feel over weight and stupid. i can't stay in a family without fucking up somehow. i either get removed, or kicked out, or im just not wanted. i can't deal with this anymore. i feel done. i want out. i want hope. i want love. is it too much to ask to have someone care about me. to have someone there for me and not leave me because i am to difficult to handle? depression is killing me. depression is rubbing off on those around me. depression is my life now. i can't escape it. i've tried medication. i've tried meditation. i've tried ignoring it. i've tried hiding from it. i cover it up wherever i go. i dont want to hurt others. i dont want to upset others any longer. i give up. i dont see anything in myself any more. looking in the mirror i do not see myself. i see who i turned into. i see who others want me to be. i do not see me.

WhAt Do I dO?

i dont know what to do. yes, this one is a personal post. i need help. i dont know what to do. a year ago in march my foster mom told me to put up a restraining order against my dad because of something he told me. it was very inapropriate but i trust him. he would never do what everyone else thinks that he would do. i did not want the restraining order. the reason he told me about his secret fantasies about me was because he wanted to distance our relationship because a lot of people thought we were too close. i agree. however he is not good at doing things like that so he chose something he knew would get to me and that i would choose to be distant from him. he would never act on anything he told me. i know it. i trust him. i know him well enough. other people do not. its been close to a year and i really need my dad. he is the only one i could turn to, so now i have no one. i want to email him and tell him everything. but im afraid he hates me now. plus i dont want to chance him getting in trouble. i will fight for him if something happens. i just really need him right now. but i dont know how to handle it. i dont want to drop the restraining order, just in case other people are right about him. i dont want to believe that it is true, but id rather be safe than sorry. so i cant take down the restraining order. but i need to talk to him. i need him to know that i didn't want the restraining order and that my foster mom ended up kicking me out of the house about a month or so later. i have no one. i am homeless and depressed. i want my daddy. i miss him so much. i dont know how i can tell him that without causing trouble. and at the same time, what if he is doing better now that im out of his life? what if he has moved on and wants to keep everything the way they are. he had told me that i will always be his little girl, but that was before the restraining order. what if he wants nothing to do with me now? i feel like a horrible person. he has been there for me through thick and thin. he protected me from my abusive mom. he comforted me when i needed him. and now its all gone. i pray for him every night and im not religious. but i feel some sort of comfort in doing it. he is almost 70 years old. i dont want to lose him. i would be devistated. i need him. i emailed him once, through an email he doesn't use often. i remembered this a month after i sent the email. so i plan on sending another one to the email he uses almost daily. but i'm scared. i dont know what to do. i dont know how to do it the right way. i fear if i lose him completely, i'll have no will to live.

fReEdOm

oh to feel that release. to feel that sharp edge slicing through the fragile skin on my wrist. to see the blood slither down my arm and on to my already stained floor. watching it with bliss. knowing the end is finally near as i grow light headed and tired. i want it. i want to sleep and dream of a better life and never have to wake up from it. oh what a wonderful paradise this will be. i watch the blood and its gracefulness. wishing i could be as beautiful. i rest my head feeling weak. just a little longer. just a few more suspenseful minutes. the room around me starts fading. i smile and brace myself for what is to come... freedom.

AlCoHoL

DRUNK: is alcolho  reall ythat bad?? i mean, sure i can't spell a lot of things right, but i can still funktion pretty well. i mean. i am gong to a party on friday and there wilil be drinking and smoking. my first college paryt. there will be drinking and smoking and i am excitec to go to it. but its not bad. i mean. i know my limit. i know what is right and rong. i know. so why is drinkingso bad? i will continue this post when i am sober and let you kno wmy opinion on it then...

SOBER: so, is alcohol really bad? should i really be careful when i go to this college party on friday? well, of course. when it comes to anything that changes the way you think and act, one must ALWAYS be careful. especially around people you dont know well. easily someone could spike the drink and take advantage of you. which is why caution is always advised. i do believe i think rather clearly while under the influence. however, i know it is very possible to make a bad decision. and it happens. i do not believe alcohol is bad. as long as whoever is drinking has someone responsible with them or they make the right choice and not drink until they pass out. i know my limit. once i lose control of my balance, i stop. if i can't walk, i am greatly bothered and i always know its because of the alcohol. thus i stop. so think responsibly. act responsibly. stay in control because once you lose it, there could be some very bad consequences.

lOvE sToRy

they lived together for their whole life. with the hard times, it was hard to find a house for one family. her family and his lived together since before they were born. he was born just a few days before her. growing up they laughed, they cried, they fought, they played, they ate, they slept. all of this together. never would you find one without the other. when they grew old enough they were married. they loved each other more than either of them loved themselves. a week after their wedding he gets very sick. he stayed in bed, unable to move, for weeks. one day, he passed away, with her by his side. his last words to her were, "do not worry, my love. the time will come when we will be together again. untill then, i will be just a thought away." he closed his eyes, never to open again. for days, she lay in his bed. crying until she could no longer produce tears.  at the funeral their two families came together. they said their prayers. they shared their mourns. when everyone left, she was still their. she sat facing his tombstone. when the sun set, she stripped herself of all her clothes and lay on his grave. wanting so badly to be close to him. she lay on his grave weeping. an angel came down to see this woman laying on a grave. she turned to face the angel and told it, "i wish to stay here with him. forever." and the angel made it so. now, when anyone goes to visit that grave. this man's true love will still be lying there as stone. never to leave his side again.

iNvIsIbLe

ever felt alone? or invisible to others? it happens everyday. to many people. people you would not expect to not have anyone to turn to. that girl in the corner dressed in black with messy hair and torn clothes. ever think that maybe she is upset about something? ever feel that you should go help her or offer a hand. or even offer to be friendly? do you realize that maybe she is too scared to reach out to others? maybe she has had so many bad experiences that she can't find it in her to reach out to anyone anymore. maybe she doesn't even have a family anymore. you dont know. so dont judge her. don't make fun of her. she knows that you watch her and are talking shit about her. she can feel it in the air. its something she has become expert at because of all the people who give her those judgemental looks. its not fun, its not healthy to be alone. she knows this, but feels that it is safer where she is. invisible to the world. no one actually knows that she is a very bright and friendly person. and no one will find out because they are all too busy judging her. i understand she comes across as "scary" or "different" or "goth" or "emo". but thats just how she dresses. its the one way she feels comfortable being around people. the way she looks is honestly just a way for her to subliminally reach out to people. she hopes that by her sticking out will draw friendly attention. she wants friends. she wants hope. but she just can't find it alone.

ArE yOu FoR oR aGaInSt?

the death penalty. a huge controversy in many places. is it right to take the life of any one person? i understand that the death penalty is suppose to be a punishment for a crime or a series of crimes, but taking the life of another human being is not right. it is not moral. so maybe someone killed over fifty people. and this person gets life in prison. but someone who kills a person, maybe two gets put on death row. it is not fair so why have it at all. life in prison is more of punishment than taking the life of the person accused. killing them is just an easy way out. when the person has to spend the rest of their life in prison suffering with the guilt of the blood on their hands, it is much more of a punishment. let me put it this way, if someone were to kill the person who you hold closest, would you rather them be killed and thats the end? or would you rather them rot in prison and suffer with guilt. suffer from malnutrition. i would rather them suffer. i dont want them to just die and not even have the chance to really think about what they have done wrong. i understand that some people are just so messed up that they do not see what they have done wrong. it takes time. it may take them a lifetime to realize that they did wrong. what if the person who was executed was actually found innocent? it would be too late. this has happened many times. and yet the death penalty is still legal. why? it's just not fair!

pArEnTs

i just had a talk with my biological sister about out birth parents. we were adopted into separate families when we were younger. recently being taken out of my home because of abuse and harrassment, i do not have the privilage of talking to either of my adoptive parents about where i came from and who i am. so i sat down with my sister and her adoptive mom. in summary i was told that it would be best not to bother searching. at least not now. even though i am eighteen and ready. it is unknown of my father's location or existance (i was told that he could be dead). and my mother is not ready to meet my sister and me. this leaves me feeling lost, weak, and alone. it should not matter whether or not my parents are ready to see us. as long as we are ready it should not matter. every child deserves to at least meet their parents once. if it doesn't work out, then that's ok. at least they don't feel as though a piece of them is missing. at least they have closure and are able to move on with their lives and not have to worry about where their parents are and if they are still alive or not. it's not fair to the child. i deserve the closure. i want to meet them even if they aren't what i expect. even if they turn me down and don't want anything to do with me. i dont care. i want to know who they are. i want to meet my parents.

ScRaP

ever feel like a piece of scrap on the side of the road? like you don't matter to anyone. you were just tossed out the door of a moving car. they kept driving laughing in their hysterics as they usually do. its like they think its funny. like putting you down is what they live for. in a few days they'll come back to see if you are still on the road as an unwanted scrap would be. untouched by a breeze to move you along because of the little faith and confidence you have in yourself. they'll pick you up and tell you that you mean something. and you will believe them because they are all you have. too scared to find someone else to lean on. too scared that everyone is as these people are. you figure its better to be scrap. with hope that when you are all worn, torn, and destroyed they will throw you away for good and never return to replay the torture. everytime you lie on the pavement you go numb and just don't care what happens to you or the world around you. you hope that an eighteen wheeler will come speeding by and destroy what remains of you. but it never comes. you are forced to stay as a piece of scrap. forced to live in your tortured life.

sHaPe

you know the feeling, where there are so many people telling you what to do and how to act, that you have no idea who you are anymore? its like, you don't know how to be you. even though the human body is not made to be reshaped, its almost as though you have been shaped over time. you can't look in the mirror without questioning who it is that is looking back at you. too many people have been taken advantage of, and are shaped to be what others want. but what about what that person wants? don't they get a say as to who they become? they should. its they're body. its they're life. they should be the only one in control of their life, no one else. it's horrible how deformed some people turn out to be. so many are changed by others. so they look and act different than they would have if they had had control of their own life. plus, this type of behavior does not just disappear. it gets passed down from the predator to the victim causing the victim to become a predator and hurt someone else who they find should look and act a different way.

fAmIlY iS eVeRyThInG

i started out with a mother, a father, and an older sister. then i was taken out of my home and have never seen my parents again. my sister and i have been separated. we were not allowed to live together when we were little. she was taken into a wonderful family. very loving and caring. they wanted my sister and me to be together as much as possible. i was less fortunate. i was raised in a family that hated me. my mom worked for social services, so they never believed me when i told them of the abuse that she put me through. my dad was a handy-man. he was also in his late sixties when he told me his feelings for me.. they were more than a feeling he should feel towards his daughter. my younger brother was a drug user. i'm not sure how severe it was, but he was pretty hardcore from what he told me.. my younger sister was princess and loved by both parents. she was allowed to do whatever, whenever. it didn't matter, and she rarely had to ask. i grew up doing chores. and i mean all of them. babysitting (ages ranging between 5days old and 8 years old), washing dishes, drying dishes, making dinner, feeding the (3) cats, change the cages of the (5) hamsters, change the litterbox, make the (6) beds, vacuum the whole house, dust the whole house, taking care of the (4' to 8.5' deep, inground) pool, cleaning around the pool decking, raking the front yard, and more. can you imagine? 3 years old. new home. new family. and yet, little by little the things piled up, all the way until my freshman year in high school. i rebelled and refused to do some of the chores. i said i would do them if i got help from my  two siblings, since they were out doing what the wanted or playing video games. this pissed off my mom and she decided that i was not allowed to do anything anymore. so if i tried to help with something i would get yelled at. and yet she would still hassle me if i wasn't helping out. so eventually i stayed in my room 24/7. only time i would leave was if i was forced to, or school. i barely ate because i would be made fun of. well, senior year, around october, i was finally taken out of that house. they no longer hold custody over me. i'm free. i was put in a foster home about a town away. still at the same school so i could finish my senior year. it went well for about six months when my foster mom kicked me out of her house. i had been in the hospital for about a week in april sometime... i got back to my foster home and decided i wanted to celebrate with some friends. so a few of us went to amherst to pick up. high as hell, we drive back to concord drop off my foster sister and foster brother at the house and i decide to spend the night with my other friend. he offered letting my stay the night and i took it. my friend and i headed towards his dad's house in needham. i get a call when we are about a half hour away from my foster home. my foster mom tells me to get back to the house, give her the house key and grab my belongings. so i did. since my friend was the reason for getting me and my foster siblings back at 2am, he let me stay with him. he told me i would have a place to stay for a little while, but he would have to talk to his dad to find out how long. its been around four months and i feel like family. its a wonderful feeling. i really don't think i have felt this since i was three and arrived at my first family's house. i feel like i have a home. i feel like i have a family. i feel like i have a support system. his dad told me that i was welcome to stay as long as i needed a home. unfortunately, i have been working on getting an apartment. i should be moving in, in about a month.. i'm really nervous. i feel like i will lose this family. and i will be stuck alone. but maybe that's how i am meant to be. hated and alone.

TrApPeD

ever feel trapped? like you just don't know if you'll ever be free? you can't find a way out, and you don't know how you got in. or when it happen. but you keep hitting the unbreakable walls, hoping to get through, or maybe draw attention to you so someone can help you. but no one hears you. no one cares. no one wants to deal with other peoples' problems. they would rather be selfish and pay attention to the stupid random shit that goes on in their everyday life. other people do not matter. other people are not important. other people may as well not even exist.

a DaY tO rEmEmBeR

all i did was walk into my house. i was outside on the swings, feeling the wind brush against my face and my hair get blown back as i went back and forth. i walk into the kitchen and i see mommy. she is face down on the floor. i can feel tears start to swell up in my eyes. but i hold them in. i don't know where daddy is and if he sees me crying, i'll be right next to mommy again. daddy is always telling me that real men do not show emotion. and if i ever want to be a real man, i better start learning now. i walk over to mommy's side so i can see her face. a tear spills over. her left eye is swollen, and she has a couple more bruises visible on her face and neck. i hear footsteps coming towards the kitchen from the living room. big thuds going real slow. it sounded like the foot steps of daddy when he wears his work boots. i quickly kiss mommy on the head and run out the door, but leave the inside door open, so i can hear what happens. not that i don't already know, but i always seem to have this curiosity. i run out around the corner of the house. i hear my daddy start cursing and yelling at mommy. he is mad that she is still on the floor. i hear mommy yell with pain, the kind of sound that she makes when daddy pulls her hair. i crouch in a fetal position and put my hands over my eyes. i begin to cry. inside there is a thud as well as a yell by my mommy after she hit the floor again. i hear the heavy footsteps coming in my direction. was i crying loudly? i can't remember. there was so much yelling inside, i couldn't hear myself. the screen door swings open and i look up to see daddy standing over me.
"i knew you would cry. you are a worthless piece of..." he stops and his eyes widen as though in horror. he drops to his knees. mommy is standing behind him, now leaning on the wall of the house. daddy falls forward and lays at my feet. a few more unsteady breaths leave his mouth, then he stops. his eyes look out beyond anything i can see. i stare wide-eyed at daddy and the knife that was sticking out of his back. i look over to mommy. her hands have blood all over them. i notice her holding her side. she begins to sway a little, so i rush over to hold her. as i reached her, she collapses. i attempt to catch her but she falls on me. her breathing is heavy and slow. i manage to hear her whisper "i love you" as her last breath escaped her lips. i began to cry again, harder than i had ever cried before. about ten minutes went by with me laying under mommy. i struggle to get out from under her. she is not that big. her birthday was yesterday and she turned 25.  Daddy was 47. i am 7 years old. i get out from under mommy and look at both their bodies lying lifelessly on the porch. i hug mommy and go inside. i take a shower to rinse off what i had left of mommy on me. i put on some clean clothes and packed a small bag. i picked up the phone and called the cops.
"my mommy and daddy are dead. 375 Abrend Lane. please come." i hang up and go out to the porch to give mommy one last kiss. then i left..

TrAvEl

learning to walk is quiet the adventure. its one of the first adventures that anyone and everyone goes on in life. learning to put one foot in front of the other. going forward and backwards and side to side. once one learns to walk, the journey is over. however, a new, and much longer and dangerous journey begins. now that you can walk you are able to go anywhere and everywhere. walk for a mile. walk for a day, a week, a month, a year. down the street, across the state, across the country. the options are endless and it is all completely up to you on which way you go. you can be swayed to go one way or another. but ultimately, you are the one in control of which way you go. there is no blaming others when you end up somewhere you don't want to be. sometimes it may seem like the easiest thing because you don't want to admit to yourself that you took the wrong path. but it happens. to everyone. don't put blame on yourself, or on others. no one deserves it. its all part of life. you go in your own direction. and make your own decisions. you may want to argue that you were told to make a decision, but now one can make you do anything. they have a gun to your head, you still do not have to  say a word. Everything works out in the end. whether it seems that way at the beginning or not. life finds a way of working out for the better.

Oh MoThEr

mother, oh mother, how you have hurt me. do you understand the pain which you have caused? all i ever wanted was for you to be there for me. to love me and care about me like all mothers should. all you ever did was bring me down, or shoot me down when i was up. i have been told by many that i am a bright young girl who is very insightful because of all the crap she has been through. but why can't you see that? why can't you see that i am somebody? i can make a difference. I can do what i dream of doing if i put my mind to it. but no, it's like you don't want to see me in that kind of light. all i have ever tried to do in my life this far, is impress you. i've tried to meet up to your expectations, but was never able to succeed. because of you, i am no longer home. i am homeless. sure, i'm staying with a friend, but that doesn't matter. its not a home. its not the same as having my family surrounding me in my home. you will only ever have two homes. there is the one you grew up in and the one that you create with someone you love, when the time is right. you have destroyed my will to make my own famliy, my own home. i hope you are happy with yourself. i hope you live a long life to live with the guilt of all the harassment and abuse you put me through. i do love you, mother. but i can not show it to you, for you may destroy that as well.

DiD yOu KnOw?

did you know that when you abuse your friend, they get hurt? or anyone for that matter. if you were not aware of this then you have just learned something new. physical abuse is horrible. absolutely no excuse for it. nothing. there isn't even an excuse for you. it is not right and should not be done, end of story. lucky ones are just abused through words. or are they lucky? they are constantly being put down by simple words that put in any other order won't mean anything. Guilt trips fall under this category. they cause the victim to have nothing to do but sit and ponder everything that was said. it eats at them until they have no way to let it out. its at this point when death seems to be the only option. everyone else knows that it is not. they ask why anyone would think of doing something like that and all the victim has to say is that it's eating at her. it eats at her soul until she has no will to live. the victim will say that she tried to apologize but he just wouldn't accept it. he just kept putting her down. with every apology she felt weaker and weaker. soon she just lost it and he took the final blow that made her break down in front of him. this satisfied him and caused him to keep going. she is now with now will with no hope. she is done.

I'm SoRrY...

i have betrayed you. i will not make up excuses. i committed a sin and now shall deal with the consequences. you hate me now, and i understand how. he took control of my body and mind. i had no chance of getting away. i told him no. i told him to stop. i even told him that you would not be happy with me. this seemed to make him laugh. he tore at my clothes and gripped anywhere there was skin visible. he pulled at my shirt until it ripped in half. he cupped my breasts in his over-powering hands. he threw me against the table that was in the kitchen. i screamed in agony as the table got pushed back by my weight and hit the wall. i cried and screamed hoping that he would leave. hoping that someone cared enough to help me. he tore off his shirt then he grabbed my waist and pulled me close to his bare chest. he was warm and sweating. his hands moved eagerly down my back and started pulling at my paint-stained jeans. with little trouble he pulled them down to reveal my panties. he swung me around and slammed me against the wall. he pulled down his own pants and boxers as well. he pushed up against me. i could feel his pulsating cock on my thigh. he grabbed my wrists and held me tight against the wall. i struggled, trying to get out of his grip. i had no such luck. i squirmed and yelled but could not get his grip to loosen. he began kissing and biting at my neck and shoulders. unwillingly i let out a moan. i suddenly got wide eyed and realized i was enjoying this. how is this possible, i thought. i can't like this. i dont want this. he spun me around so i was flat against the wall. he pulled at my panties so they ripped and fell to the floor then pulled eagerly at my hips causing me to bend over. i moaned as he stuck his cock inside me. he laughs at my change in mood. i begin to scream again, which causes him to move faster and with more force. i begin screaming in both pleasure and fear. still no one hears me. no one helps. he pulls out and throws me to the floor. i look up in time to see him ejaculate all over me as i lie exhausted and helpless on the floor. he pulls up his pants and grabs his shirt off the floor and walks out the door. i lay on the floor for a while trying to catch my breath between sobs. i'm sorry i did this to our relationship. i wish he had been you. i'm sorry...

TeAcHeR aCcUsEd Of GiViNg StUdEnT wAyS tO cUt EfFeCtIvElY

"A teacher at Northwood High School is being accused of showing a student the most effective way to slit her wrist. The alleged demonstration occurred Thursday, not even two weeks after another student committed suicide. Tina Watson, the girl’s mother, says the teacher asked her 14-year old daughter if she was cutting herself, because she arrived to class wearing a bandage. She then allegedly traced lines on the girl’s arm, telling her which direction caused the most harm when cutting. School board officials are investigating the accusation and say the well-being of the student is their top priority. The girl’s mother met with school and district officials this afternoon. According to Watson, the teacher is still teaching during the investigation. She says her daughter was in her class this afternoon."

does this make sense to anyone? does this make sense at all? what is wrong with this woman?! she better be found guilty and arrested for assisted suicide and hate crime. in order for anyone to tell a depressed person how to be most effective while self-harming, there has to be some form of hate there. and if not that, then she better go into a metal hospital because that act is more messed up than actually doing the act. i hope she does not get off free for this.

ThIs CoUlD bE tRuE...

see this girl? see her precious features filled with sorrow? this girl has seen many things. many things that a five year old girl should never have to witness. she was found in a closet in her parents' bedroom, face soaked with tears. Her parents were found side by side on the bed. they had been tied down and beaten to death. the mother was pregnant and the father was castrated. looking into the homicide, investigators discovered that this young girl had been a victim of rape by her own father. no clues yet as to why the mother is also a victim, but investigators are looking into it.

for all those interested, this little girl, annie, is looking for a home and a family that will love her and take care of her and protect her. she is a very sweet and funny girl who deserves a lot.

ThE wAtChFuL eYeS

its always hard to live when there are constantly sad eyes watching you as you pass a mirror or a clean sheet of glass. you are constantly being watched by these sad eyes. the linger in every footstep. where else can she go to escape and be free. maybe by watching you enjoy yourself she will feel better, but she ends up rubbing off on you and you soon go down too. she means no harm, she just wants to be happy as anyone would. she lived a miserable life and her body was put to rest peacefully. her eyes however are still trying to find true happiness. she has been around for hundreds of years, and still has had no luck finding such happiness. does it even exist? it's hard to tell with all the fighting. she misses her loved ones. yes, she was love once, by her close friends and her older sister. however, no one else in her life so much as spared a breath to acknowlege her. She is glad to be sad, but here are some bad things about it. she is glad because if she were never sad then she would not have the slightest idea what happiness was. thus never being able to find it. it's true that she has not found happiness yet, but she has seen little rays of hope where some happiness had once been. she just awaits the day that happiness is what causes peace in this dreadful world of nothingness. so when you are feeling down, remember it is because of her sad eyes who are watching you. she has seen many things, many horrible things. when she watches you it is to let you know of all the horrible things in the world. and she hopes to remind you that there can be good times. yes, there are a lot of bad times, but be sure to cherish the good.

ChOiCeS

i had been watching her suffer. i have been watching her slowly deteriorate in front of my eyes. i wanted to help. i wanted her to be happy for once. i talked to her. i sang to her. i laughed with her. i cried with her. i tutored her. i hugged her. i listened to her. i did everything i could possibly do to help her live her life.

i sit here now, on the ledge of a cliff overseeing the ocean. i brought the knife my mom kept hidden from my dad. i wanted to help her. but now she is gone. she took her life. she took her life because no one could help her. ever since he death, five years ago, i have been empty. i have been broken and shattered. i barely made it this far. i have been hospitalized about a dozen times since she left. my arms and neck are covered in scars. so i sit, contemplating whether or not to end my own life...

SuRpRiSe ViSiToR

it had been a long day. i got home and got some lettuce and fruit and veggies out of the fridge. i was getting ready to make a salad when i heard someone at the door. i put everything down on the counter and went to answer the door.

"who is it?" i yell through my front door, but there is no answer. keeping the chain lock latched at the top of my door i open the door as far as it will go, which is enough for me to see outside the door.

whoever it was out there, they kicked to door all the way open, breaking the chain lock and hitting me in the center of the face with the door. i fall back and scramble to get back on my feet. i knew they were directly behind me so i turned to punch them with all the force i had, but they caught me by the wrist. i stood still for a moment trying to let everything come into focus. i looked up into the eyes of my dad. i wanted to yell and scream but i could not find my voice; i froze. i was in such shock that i fainted. when i awoke i was tied to the bed. only i was not on the bed. i was on the floor and my arms are each tied to one of the two legs at the foot of my bed. i try moving but can't. i look around, panic taking over. i hear footsteps coming from down the hall so i close my eyes and pretend that i was still passed out. slowly he came to my side and started untying my wrists but kept hold of them obviously thinking i was going to put up a struggle. i feel him lift me up over his shoulder. i jumped a little when he touched me. his hands were very cold on my bare skin. he put me on to the bed and put a shirt and a pair of pants on. i tried to ignore his hands lingering on my lower stomach. when he was finished he lifted me up over his shoulder and carried me out to the hallway. i opened my eyes to try to figure out where we were going, but i didn't want to move too much and let him know that i'm conscious. a minute later he puts me sitting in a chair.

"hey, wake up honey," he said in a sweet voice. i didn't move or open my eyes. "Everything is going to be ok now." i felt him kiss me on the cheek. then he stood up and stood me up. he climbed up on the chair and pulled me up to stand beside him. i am now awake and scared and very confused. "close your eyes honey," he told me. i obeyed not wanting to anger him. "i got a necklace for you." i feel him slip something rough around my neck. it felt like a choker necklace. when i felt him get down off the chair i opened my eyes and looked down at him. he had tears in his eyes and grabbed both of my hands. "i love you," he said. then he pulled me hard enough to leave me hanging from the rope...