nO wOrTh

everyday she gives her all. she helps who she can. she even saves a few from others or even themselves. she walks through everyday with a smile on her face and her chin held high. but thats only because she has to hide the demon that tries breaking free every second. the demon that whispers to jump in front of traffic, to jump off the bridge, to take a shortcut through a dark alley. she doesn't have anyone she trusts to turn to. no one to talk to. no one believes her hell. no one understands her struggle. they say they try, but if they can't succeed after some time, they give up and they walk away. all of them. family and friends alike. and yet she keeps walking forward. keeping up the facade.
people try to make deals to earn her trust. she declines. it's not that simple. yes, trust is earned, but it's not earned over some bullshit bargain. it is earned over time through actions and words. at this point it could take ten years before someone could have her full trust if they started trying with all their heart, right now.
all she wants right now is to be held. but no one is there. no one to hold her. no one to tell her everything will be ok. no one to caress her, to comfort her. its all she wants. she just wants to be wanted. but she has such a clouded vision that she sees herself as not worth it. not worth anyone's time, effort, sympathy, love.. just not worth it.

LoSs Of A fRiEnD

"i want to see her." she told her mother.
"no, honey. she looks really bad. she's really sick and needs to rest" her mother replied.
"but i miss her. she's been sick for so long. when will she be better?" her mother looked at her. sorrow in her eyes.
instead of answering her, her mother said, "what do you want for dinner, sarah?"
"i want to visit emily."
"how about we order some KFC?"
"really? yeah! i love their chicken!"
her mother smiled and continued cleaning the kitchen. sarah went off to her room to work on her home work. the next day, when she got home from school she saw her mom and dad sitting in the living room crying.
"whats wrong?" she asked them. they looked up and reached out to sarah, pulling her into a hug.
"it's emily..." her dad started. it was easy to tell that he didn't know what to tell her. he didn't know how to put it into words.
"she passed away this morning. she's up with the angels now." her mom finished for him.
sarah looked at them in disbelief. looking for any sign that they were joking. any sign that there was a hidden meaning that maybe she was at the house hiding. but nothing. they continued to cry. sarah stepped back, shaking her head back and forth. tears started flowing and she ran to her room and cried for hours. a couple days later was the wake.
"honey, get dressed into something nice."
"why?" sarah responded with no hint of emotion.
"we're going to the wake."
"what's a wake?" sarah asked, confused.
"its a place where friends and family can say their last goodbyes."
sarah nodded then looked for something to wear. she had no black clothes so she settled for dark blue. when they arrived at the wake, there were many people there. some she recognized, others she had no idea who they were. she went up and saw emily lying in the open casket. she looked like a familiar stranger that was sleeping. only, she wasn't moving at all. and she looked pale with too much makeup on. and the dress was insulting. emily never would have worn that. she couldn't think of anything to pray so she moved on to give emily's husband a hug. then went and sat down. as soon as she was seated, she cried. she cried more than she had the day she heard the news. she cried until her body wouldn't allow her to any longer. finally they left and went home. a couple days later was the funeral. her mom told her to stay home. she wasn't allowed to go. so she went to her room and cried a little more.
eight years later, she is living an apartment with her friends. she gets dressed in black. and heads over to the cemetery. unsure of what to do or thing or pray. hoping one day the pain will lessen. one day, she can believe that her dear friend, emily, left this earth for a reason...