UnSuRe

ever feel like you don't really know whats going on? like you're not the one that is living your life? everything keeps happening at a normal pace but it seems that everything is going by so fast that you feel like maybe you missed something.. im curious, if it is something that can change, that can be fixed or figured out. is there anyway to get your life back on track? everything is so confusing and everyone seems to be mad at me for things i either didn't do or didn't realize i did.. and its usually something stupid. its not fair.. i hate feeling trapped. i thought i was passed that part of my life.. but apparently not. and now i try dealing with it. i try figuring out what is best for me, but so many things have changed in such a short amount of time, i just don't know what to think... what do you do? im honestly.. completely unsure...

WhIsPeRs

the whispers they continue. though i have no clue what they mean. i want to. i want to understand. these dreams that come to me. running through a maze that is constantly changing.. new stairways and door ways... i dont understand. why is she whispering to me? why is she? who is she? i dont understand. i want to... i dont even know what to think. she is there with me every night. i can't make her go away. i just here her whispers. no words to understand. nothing to clearify what she is saying. do i know her? will she identify herself? i just want to know. im tired of losing sleep and being left in the dark. i just want it to end. i just want to understand if there is a message behind what i am being told.... but even still... i haven't the slightest idea what i am being told.

jUsT a DaY

"I'll pick you up after school," her dad said. this won't be the first time her dad has forgotten about her. so it came as no surprise when 9:00pm came around and she hadn't heard a word from him. yes, she called a few times, but there was no answer. just his annoying too-upbeat voicemail. she's use to having to sit around a wait. wait and think. think about everything and nothing. it drives her insane sometimes. all the thinking tends to make her emotional. it makes her want to cry, scream, laugh, and hit something all at the same time. there's just too much in her head. she sits and ponders little things. like, 'what should i have for dinner' and 'what book should i read next' to 'what do i want to do with my life' and 'why do i always end up being the one to wait for what may not come'. she does what she has to to keep moving forward. she does her best anyway.
after a couple more hours went by she gave her best friend, Marlin, a call. he answers on the second ring.
"hey hun, what's up?"
"just sitting around again. waiting for my ride. i can't stop thinking about stuff again."
"stuff like what?"
"just stuff. in general. i dont know..." she trails off trying to put her mind into words.
"you need to find something to do with your time. you tend to spend too much time thinking and not enough time doing. i know its somewhat habbit for you, to sit around and think, but its not good for you. you've been through too much to just sit around and think. you need to make some kind of a schedule and make sure you are doing something everyday." he always seemed to like talking to her about her problems. not that she ever asked. she always felt like a burden and would try to avoid talking about anything bad. but then, things would end up getting worse and she would have to talk. either because she would be feeling on the edge of losing herself or he would know something was wrong and talk her into telling him. but she always felt comfortable talking to him about anything. she felt that he was the only real family she had.
"but i can't do scheduling. i've tried it on my own. it doesn't work. when i have a schedule as set by adults or other people, there are consequences to not following it. if i make the schedule, i dont feel obligated to follow through."
"then use me as an outlet, in a way. i want you to make a schedule. something that shows every hour of every day that you are doing something. but make sure it varies. dont stay sitting in your house all day, i know your mind will wonder."
"so, like, going for walks?" trying to get some kind of clue as to what kind of schedule he was talking about.
"no. not just going for walks. have a destination, or something to do while walking. just walking will give you that thinking time that you dont need."
"i dont know. i don't really want to." well that was only half a lie. she does want to do things with her time, she just doesn't feel motivated enough to do so. it was hard to explain, even in her head.
"alright. just try this. i think it might help. for me?" he said that last bit in the voice she always had a hard time saying no to.
she sighed and replied, "okay. i'll give it a try, but no promises."
"sounds like a start to me. well its closing in on 1:00am, and i have work in the morning. so tomorrow send me the schedule you create for yourself. i'll be waiting."
in her 'im annoyed' voice she replied, "okay."
"goodnight love"
"goodnight"
and with a click he was gone. gone to bed. gone back to his own life and problems. and she was still in the same spot. she stared at the phone for a minute then put it in her pocket. she pulled out a piece of paper from her backpack and began thinking up a list or schedule. it took her a while to actually think things out. she was just finishing up when she heard a car pull up in front of her. she glanced up to see her dad's car.
in the end she ended up with this:
just a day:
-research/study psychology at library
-read 3 chapters of a book
-do 10 push-ups, jog around the block (alternate for an hour)
-write a short story
-clean room
-bake cookies/cake/brownies
-call a friend just to say "hi"
-make weekend plans with someone
-go feed geese+ducks by the lake
all of this was just a start, just a few ideas. she would show him and hope that he approved. with her fingers crossed she got into the car and listened to her dad's excuses as to why he was really late.. again.

BeHiNd ThE mAsK

all the love in the world couldn't save her now;

she has been alone for far too long and just

wants to be left that way,

to stay free and

do nothing but relax; love

is so often is wrong, it leaves her with nowhere to

go; so she stays put, no matter how much she wants to be

home with family;

she hates how everyone 

wants her to be someone else just

to conform to society rules; they try to

remove everything that she is so they can accept

the person she is when she is wearing a

mask and hiding everything

that she feels 

is wrong;

so often she wishes she could just

close her eyes and go

to a place far away where

being yourself and never pretending is always a

permanent way of life;

she wishes everyday that who she

is would be enough; she's 

tired of wearing the mask 

of a lost girl who is just trying to fit in by

hiding everything that she is; she's

tired of being looked down on because

of what she went through in her past and what she is still

running from to this day; she's

tired of pretending to be part

of something where

being yourself is not

something you are allowed to do; she tries to think

that somewhere there is someone who is like

she is and 

is just wanting to be part of something bigger.

not an act.

WaTeR

her release is the water

it helps her heal

helps her grow

helps her think

helps her live

without it, she'd be nothing.

if she were to walk away right now

she'd have no place to go

no place for comfort

no place with love

no place to call home

if she left, they would walk away.

She looks at the water and sees herself

she sees freedom

she sees calm

she sees change

she sees peace

she is the water, the water is she.