ReLeAsE

the release of unkind words. the release of horrible events. the release of pain. so easily achieved with the swipe of a blade. feeling all the bad pour out of the perforation. watching it glisten as it slowly finds its way down your body. unwilling to accept the clotting process. so again the blade finds its way to the same release point. again and again it pierces the skin. when you feel that you are finished trying to distract yourself from the hell-hole that is your life, the feeling of peace has taken over with the effect of light-headed euphoria. you continue staring at the elegant beauty of liquefied life. mesmerized as you watch a little of your life slip away. not sure whether to be scared or happy, you settle for content. knowing that you found your distraction. knowing that maybe now you can look at life with a calmer head space. just for good luck, you let the blade slide across one more time... 

mY nEw BeSt FrIeNd

He accepts me for who i am

He is wonderful and kind

He thinks that i am beautiful

Even though he's color blind

I will never be able to find another like him

i will love him and care for him like he does for me

None compare, none ever will

Just wait and see.

nO wOrTh

everyday she gives her all. she helps who she can. she even saves a few from others or even themselves. she walks through everyday with a smile on her face and her chin held high. but thats only because she has to hide the demon that tries breaking free every second. the demon that whispers to jump in front of traffic, to jump off the bridge, to take a shortcut through a dark alley. she doesn't have anyone she trusts to turn to. no one to talk to. no one believes her hell. no one understands her struggle. they say they try, but if they can't succeed after some time, they give up and they walk away. all of them. family and friends alike. and yet she keeps walking forward. keeping up the facade.
people try to make deals to earn her trust. she declines. it's not that simple. yes, trust is earned, but it's not earned over some bullshit bargain. it is earned over time through actions and words. at this point it could take ten years before someone could have her full trust if they started trying with all their heart, right now.
all she wants right now is to be held. but no one is there. no one to hold her. no one to tell her everything will be ok. no one to caress her, to comfort her. its all she wants. she just wants to be wanted. but she has such a clouded vision that she sees herself as not worth it. not worth anyone's time, effort, sympathy, love.. just not worth it.

LoSs Of A fRiEnD

"i want to see her." she told her mother.
"no, honey. she looks really bad. she's really sick and needs to rest" her mother replied.
"but i miss her. she's been sick for so long. when will she be better?" her mother looked at her. sorrow in her eyes.
instead of answering her, her mother said, "what do you want for dinner, sarah?"
"i want to visit emily."
"how about we order some KFC?"
"really? yeah! i love their chicken!"
her mother smiled and continued cleaning the kitchen. sarah went off to her room to work on her home work. the next day, when she got home from school she saw her mom and dad sitting in the living room crying.
"whats wrong?" she asked them. they looked up and reached out to sarah, pulling her into a hug.
"it's emily..." her dad started. it was easy to tell that he didn't know what to tell her. he didn't know how to put it into words.
"she passed away this morning. she's up with the angels now." her mom finished for him.
sarah looked at them in disbelief. looking for any sign that they were joking. any sign that there was a hidden meaning that maybe she was at the house hiding. but nothing. they continued to cry. sarah stepped back, shaking her head back and forth. tears started flowing and she ran to her room and cried for hours. a couple days later was the wake.
"honey, get dressed into something nice."
"why?" sarah responded with no hint of emotion.
"we're going to the wake."
"what's a wake?" sarah asked, confused.
"its a place where friends and family can say their last goodbyes."
sarah nodded then looked for something to wear. she had no black clothes so she settled for dark blue. when they arrived at the wake, there were many people there. some she recognized, others she had no idea who they were. she went up and saw emily lying in the open casket. she looked like a familiar stranger that was sleeping. only, she wasn't moving at all. and she looked pale with too much makeup on. and the dress was insulting. emily never would have worn that. she couldn't think of anything to pray so she moved on to give emily's husband a hug. then went and sat down. as soon as she was seated, she cried. she cried more than she had the day she heard the news. she cried until her body wouldn't allow her to any longer. finally they left and went home. a couple days later was the funeral. her mom told her to stay home. she wasn't allowed to go. so she went to her room and cried a little more.
eight years later, she is living an apartment with her friends. she gets dressed in black. and heads over to the cemetery. unsure of what to do or thing or pray. hoping one day the pain will lessen. one day, she can believe that her dear friend, emily, left this earth for a reason...

EvEnTuAlLy

all around me are problems. both my own and others. why do i always put myself through such hell? i have my own problems to deal with. my own problems that no one else seems to be able to help me with.. so why do i add to my list of difficulties?
because i care. simple as that.
i get asked these questions all too often. i care about others so much that i gladly take on their burden. even if it hurts me. i help people i dont care for as well as a few people i really do not like. but i do it. and its because i care. i care too much, sometimes, yeah. but i want to help. i dont want anyone to get even an inch within how i feel on a daily basis. it's torture. i know how hell feels. and i've been through so much hell that i can't just sit back and watch everyone else suffer or go through hard times. i dont care how much it damages me. as long as that person can breathe easy because i did something to make a difference.
when i feel shitty, i keep my head down. i usually have 1 or 2 people ask me how i am throughout a day. that's it. even hanging out with a group; keeping my head down; keeping to myself; sometimes even crying. but still, people keep their distance. eventually i will learn to take my own advice. i will begin looking up. i will try to face my past so i can begin to heal. i will realize the light that is there behind me, telling me everything will be ok. that i can push through another day. but the light seems to be blocked by my own stubbornness. but eventually i will be willing. eventually i will want to change myself for the better. eventually...