mOrTaLiTy

Mortality is something that crosses everyone's mind, especially the later in life you get. I think about it on a near daily basis. 

Sometimes it's my own. Will I make it through today? Is that car that's swerving going to hit me? Is today the day I end it myself? I don't like how dark my mind gets. I have kind of grown accustomed to it. It's just how my brain programmed itself over the many years of abuse and neglect. There are days I am just tired. Tired of being tired. It's near daily, but I function. I can do my chores. I can care for the dogs, for my people, for my child. I'm starting to get back in the swing of things. I see at least another week of pain and discomfort after pregnancy, but then I should be able to fully function the way I am supposed to. To take pressure off my people. I know it's not normal to thi k about or imagine your own death on a daily basis, especially when you're only just getting into your 30s. But I've always done it. I always have a plan. I just keep it tucked away. I keep it away from the people I care about. I don't want to die. It's just in my head. 

Sometimes it's my peoples'. I chose to be with people that have more milage than me. I chose to create a life with them. I chose to love them. I believe age is just a number. I've never related with anyone more than I have with them. Maybe I'm just more mature than most for my age. I don't know. But I've never wanted people in my life as much as I want them. As much as I need them. Knowing how much farther in life they are scares me. I catch myself wondering what I'm going to do with myself when they're gone. I try not to keep on that train of thought for too long, though. If I do I break down. I can't imagine what life would be like losing either one of them. I have no idea how I would cope. They are my people. They have my heart and soul. I would break if I lost either of them. Daily I realize it. I try to plan what I might do, where I might go if they go before me. 

Here I go again, crying. Thinking I could lose them one day. It hurts. It makes me feel like a hole is forming in my soul. But that's life. I do my best to just cherish the time I do have with them. Everyday I convince myself that they'll be here forever. That nothing can take them from me. We have so many adventures to experience together. So many memories to make. I won't let mortality define who I love; who I choose to spend my life with. 

pOsTpArTuM vS dEpPrEsSiOn

 

I don't know for sure if it's postpartum. It's been nine days since he was born. I'm not having any bad thoughts towards him, and I know that's a big symptom. I just don't feel myself. I don't feel right. I can't seem to sleep when I have the opportunity. I have no appetite. None. Nothing sounds appealing. The thought of food makes me nauseous. And I want to cry. I have no reason. I just want to cry.

I want to talk to my people. I want to let them know. But they already worry enough, especially with the little one. Plus I have no reason to be so off. It's not stopping me from functioning, though the lack of food is making me physically weak and dizzy at times. I don't know how I'd even bring it up.

"Hey. I'm feeling a bit off and I don't know why. I want to sit in bed and cry til I pass out." It sounds so stupid. It sounds like I'm looking for attention. I'm not. I don't want attention. I don't want anything. I just want to make it through each day. Just take everything a day at a time. 

I'm so damn tired.

I'm so damn weak.

I just want to be ok. For them. For him. 

I can do that. I can do this. Just need to force feed myself. Just need to make myself sleep. Just need to be there for my boy when he needs to be cleaned or fed. Just need to take this new chapter a day at a time. What else can I do? ... Hell, if I'm truely asking this, what do I expect them to be able to do? They can't help. I don't really want to talk. And when I do, I know I sound like a bitch. I know I sound like I'm giving attitude... I don't want to bring them down anymore.