AnOtHeR dAy

 I don't know what I'm doing here. I wanted to write something, maybe help me feel better. But there's nothing. There's nothing "wrong". Everything is great, technically. No one has hurt me. No one has been mean. Nothing bad has happened. I just feel lonely. I just feel homesick. I'm not sure what for. I've never felt anywhere to be home. I am still scared to call where I am now home. It could end in the blink of an eye. 

I want to drink. 

That would be bad. It helps nothing. It doesn't even make me feel better like I convince myself every time I get a drink. But the craving is there. Again..

What's wrong with me?

I just want to be ok.

I feel. I feel too much. I feel frustrated. I feel alone. I feel hated. I feel sick. I feel tired. I feel sad. I feel hopeless. I feel like I'm the lost cause everyone has told me I am. I gave up once. It didn't end well. I was "saved". I shouldn't be here, you know. I should be six feet under. But I'm not. I must have a purpose, right? Thats how these things work? So what is it? I'm tired of the game and puzzles. Just tell me. Just show me. Just let me be ok.

I want to help.

There's nothing I can do though. I feel I am part of the problem. I can't help anything when my presence is the issue. I'm stuck.

Just stay out of the way. It's what I'm best at. No. That's a lie. I've always been in the way. 

Just shut up. Keep going. It's just one of those days. Hormonal. Moody. Over emotional. It happens. Remember, "you feel how you feel, there's nothing wrong with that". Yeah. I know. I tell everyone that. I swear by it. It makes helping easier. I feel. You feel. We all feel. It's a reaction, not a choice. So keep going. Stop moping. Stop trying to find something to blame. Most of all, communicate.

i DoN't KnOw WhAt To TeLl YoU

 I don't know what to tell you. 

I still think about him. Especially recently. I can feel him on me. I feel his touch. I feel his gaze. And it makes me sick. It makes me feel so damn awful. Even now, writing it out, I feel the need to puke. I cry and pray that the feelings stop. Thank I can't feel him on my skin. Its been so fucking long since I've been anywhere near him. Yet it's like yesterday in my head. How do I make it stop. I don't want to sleep because there he is.

"What's so wrong with a daughter sitting on her father's lap?" I cringe just thinking about it. That last time he had his way. 10 years ago now. I guess I never fully dealt with the pain of it. The humiliation and fear. I keep feeling the fantom brush of his hand on my arm. 

I just want to sleep. I want to rest. I want it to be over. Will I feel better when he's gone? I didn't when his wife left this earth. I still have all the fear and paranoia she instilled in me. All the self-doubt and -hatred. I hate my head. I hate me. I want to end it.

I don't know what to tell you. I am ashamed that I still feel him on me. I can't just admit it. I can't just say it. How can I? I can barely admit it to myself. I shut down. I shut down in hope that I may shut down my mind, my thoughts, my feeling. I am ashamed. I am hurting. 

I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to let it go. I don't know why it's so engraved in my damn head.

That MRI appointment he took me to, 10 years ago, was the last time. The last time he said what he wanted and did what he wanted. No one knows everything of that day. Not even my guardian at that time. Not even my family. Not even the court. No one. And I do my best to push it back and make myself forget. Usually I drink it away. But I no longer have the appetite for the stuff. So I'm stuck. In my head. Unable to speak my truth. Unable to process it all. Unable to let go. Unable to understand why I can't. Not able to understand how he was able to do that and lie to everyone about the restraining order, turning me into the villain I didn't see him as until recently...

I don't know what to tell you...