i DoN't KnOw WhAt To TeLl YoU

 I don't know what to tell you. 

I still think about him. Especially recently. I can feel him on me. I feel his touch. I feel his gaze. And it makes me sick. It makes me feel so damn awful. Even now, writing it out, I feel the need to puke. I cry and pray that the feelings stop. Thank I can't feel him on my skin. Its been so fucking long since I've been anywhere near him. Yet it's like yesterday in my head. How do I make it stop. I don't want to sleep because there he is.

"What's so wrong with a daughter sitting on her father's lap?" I cringe just thinking about it. That last time he had his way. 10 years ago now. I guess I never fully dealt with the pain of it. The humiliation and fear. I keep feeling the fantom brush of his hand on my arm. 

I just want to sleep. I want to rest. I want it to be over. Will I feel better when he's gone? I didn't when his wife left this earth. I still have all the fear and paranoia she instilled in me. All the self-doubt and -hatred. I hate my head. I hate me. I want to end it.

I don't know what to tell you. I am ashamed that I still feel him on me. I can't just admit it. I can't just say it. How can I? I can barely admit it to myself. I shut down. I shut down in hope that I may shut down my mind, my thoughts, my feeling. I am ashamed. I am hurting. 

I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to let it go. I don't know why it's so engraved in my damn head.

That MRI appointment he took me to, 10 years ago, was the last time. The last time he said what he wanted and did what he wanted. No one knows everything of that day. Not even my guardian at that time. Not even my family. Not even the court. No one. And I do my best to push it back and make myself forget. Usually I drink it away. But I no longer have the appetite for the stuff. So I'm stuck. In my head. Unable to speak my truth. Unable to process it all. Unable to let go. Unable to understand why I can't. Not able to understand how he was able to do that and lie to everyone about the restraining order, turning me into the villain I didn't see him as until recently...

I don't know what to tell you...