sLeEp

I hate this. Laying in bed, waiting for sleep that seems to be avoiding me. Seeing that scene in my head play over, keeping me from even wanting to close my eyes. It's in the past, why can't it just stop? I've watched it over and over, yet here it remains. Locked in my head. It's not even the worst thing to ever happen to me. I don't get it. 

I had such a good day. A rough start, sure, but it ended well. Seeing the respect I have gained from loved ones. Learning just how much I can be me to the point that I didn't even recognize myself. That's terrifying. 

I want to sleep. I have what I need to sleep. Sure, I could take some kind of sleep aid, but I'll wake as tired as when I fall asleep, so what's the point? I don't think I've ever really been able to sleep through the night. If it's not one thing it's another. I mean, this time of year has me spiraling anyway, and I can't even explain it. I hate this. I hate me. I don't know what's wrong with me. Or how anyone can put up with my nonsense. I can't make sense of it. So it must be nonsense. 

I just want to rest. Just once.