JuSt By LoOkInG

just by looking at this picture, what do you see? just by looking at this girl, what do you see? most will say a happy, adventurous, beautiful girl. some who know her will say a happy, adventurous, beautiful, understanding, loving, caring girl who puts others before herself. none will say how much she hurts. none will say how much she struggles. none will know. its something she keeps hidden. something she doesn't show to anyone. she wants to be all those things. she tries to be all those things. she wants to believe she is all those things. but there are so many missing or broken pieces in side her, that she just can't. so many people have hurt her. so many people have abandoned her. would you be able to guess that she is homeless? because she is. but she pushes through one day at a time. just taking baby steps to make it through an hour, a day, a week, a year. its such a challenge. she cherishes the friendships she has made. the help her through the worst of times. she went through three families before she ended up here. her biological family, adoption, and foster care. she is only 19. she is only trying to be happy. she is only trying to make things work. just by looking, could you tell this girl is me?

tHe PaIn

"just a little," he told me.. "just see how it feels. it will distract you from the pain in your mind. try it." he was right. i now had a more noticeable pain. my thoughts subsided. my focus was on my arm. all my senses rushing to that area. feeling the sting of the open wound. the blood running down my arm. there was almost a gracefulness about it. beauty in a way. "how does that feel?" he asks me. i don't respond. i know my parents are in the other room. i don't want them to hear me. "it feels good, doesn't it?" he purrs. i look at the razor in my hand, blood glistening off of it. "go ahead. do it some more. feel the sting instead of the pain." the pain. i had forgotten for a minute. the pain that circulates around my mind. the thoughts that haunt me. all at once they start rushing back. i make a few more slices in my skin. i watched the blood pool to the top of the cut then rush out, racing down my arm. "that's it. the pain is gone for now. why don't you sleep. just take a nap. i'm sure you're exhausted from all that stress. sleep now. just sleep. relax..." his words start to fade as well as my vision..
i wake up an hour later and my arm stings. i look down and see the dried blood on my arm and one of my favorite scarves. i grab a few tissues to wipe my arm, grab my first aid cream and take care of my arm. when i get it bandaged i grab the bleach pen from my desk to work on my scarf. sitting there bleaching out the stain i start thinking. i don't remember doing this. i don't remember falling asleep. i notice something shine in the corner of my eye and see an old razor, blood stained. i quickly pick it up and hide it. i sit on the floor and put my head in my hands. "not again." i sighed and begin to cry...

SiT

he's here again. drunk as hell. why does he do this? he tells my mom he loves her, but all he does is take advantage of her hospitality. he sleeps where ever he wants. eats everything. and leaves alcohol bottles all over the house. i found a vodka bottle in the toilet once. it confused me, but pissed me off. i want to tell him off. but i know if i do, he'll come after me, or worse, he'd go after my mom. so i sit silently in my room. listening to the stumbling and grumbling that travels through the house. my mom following him like a lost puppy, just to make sure he stays safe. she could just talk to him about his drinking, or tell him off and when he does something, call the cops. i've called the cops on him before. my mom scolded me. she said he was going through a rough time. like this isn't rough on me? i sit here thinking about a better life. i sit here pondering what she would do if i disappeared. would she be too worried about her drunken boyfriend to give a shit about me? she acts like she's 16 when she's bordering 40. i dont know what to do. i dont know what i can do. so i sit and think. think of a better life.

mY cOnClUsIoN

love doesn't exist... i hear it everywhere.. "i love you"... but, usually, shortly after, i see pain and hurt and suffering... hell, i've lived it. i can't trust anyone anymore. i trusted him. and he turns around and blames me for losing his job and his home.. when we were together he said that his boss was just an asshole, and that it was his uncle's fault that they didn't have the money to pay rent. so how the hell is it my fucking fault? i spent the day before crying for other reasons. then i get into a texting argument with him and i feel like punching a fucking hole in the wall.... i didn't.. and because i held myself back from punching something or someone, my anxiety went through the roof. i couldn't sit still, i couldn't think straight.. i'm not use to being angry.. it just doesn't happen with me, but when it does, i dont know how to handle it. its so hard to make me mad.. he's pissed off at me too. he said i lied to him and broke a promise i made to him..
he said i lied about our whole relationship. that i was lying when i said "i way he wanted me to, i broke it off. i didn't want to feel like i was actually lying to him. i feel like i did the right thing for me. and i've heard the same from friends that i talk to.
that promise i broke.. it was that i had promised him i would stay safe.. when he found out i was cutting again, he got pissed. but did he bother asking why i did it? did he bother asking what mad me sink so low that i broke a promise? he knows, and i explained to him in the beginning, promises mean something to me. they mean a lot. so me breaking it, its not like it was an easy choice. hell i wasn't fucking stable when i made the fucking decision. does he realize that i don't have my family anymore? that i miss them? that no matter what i do, i wont be able to make it right with them again? that my mom and dad are getting older and it scares me to death? that i feel like im fucking stuck, like i can't move forward? that i'm stuck on the past and the only way for me to even attempt pushing forward easily is to talk to my dad who doesn't want to see me anymore?.. hell, i dont blame him for not wanting to. i dont blame any of them. but it still fucking hurts. did he ask what happened that night? the night i snapped?.. no. so i couldn't tell him how depressed i was or that i had been attacked a couple hours before that. i couldn't tell him that i felt weak and alone and hurt. no. he jumped to conclusion and scolded me for breaking a fucking promise that i usually never make. hell, he could ask me friends. they've all tried to have me promise to stay safe, and i would always say "i promise to try". i thought i could do it when i made that promise to him. but i couldn't and for that i got shit on. so now its been about 3 days since the fight, and i'm still trying to cool down. i don't know what to do to not feel pissed off and anxious.
he tells me i'm blind and that i only date assholes. and that i purposely date them to put myself in bad or even harmful situations. he tells me that none of my ex's cared about me or loved me like he does.. well all i could think of was my wolfie.. i know he cares more and loves me more than this guy ever could. and he's been doing it for almost six years. five years of being my ex boyfriend and he still cares more and loves me more than he ever could. i also know that my wolfie wouldn't scold me for breaking a promise, at least not right away. not until he heard the reasons behind it.
i hate this. i hate being mad. i take it out on who ever is near me. i just snap at them because i dont have control of my anger. i dont have control because its so hard to make me mad, thus i rarely get mad. and at the moment i dont know how to make it stop...
with each passing day i grow more anxious because he wants to sit down and talk to me. after that texting war, i can only assume how well any conversation is going to go in person. and it scares me. so i'm looking forward to seeing him to get it over with, but at the same time, i dont want to do it. i dont want to get into a fight with him becauses i know i'll end up crying. and im sure he'll feel accomplished if he sees me cry after trying to guilt trip me into getting back together with him.
so i have come to the conclusion that love doesn't exist....

lOsT, lYiNg, StUcK fAiLuRe

so, i'm bad with verbally talking. i can write, no problem. but people keep asking me whats wrong, and i can't say, because i can't put my jumbled thoughts into words...
i feel lost. so lost. i don't even know where to begin. i look at all the people around me and can't help but think of how lucky they are. they have a family that cares and supports them. yeah, they have their fights, their arguments, but they push through it and work through it together. i was abandoned. or thats how i feel. and yeah, i'm living with an amazing family that cares about me. but they can't fill that hole that i have. i want to find home, but i'm too lost to do so. my home is a half hour away, and there is no way that they would welcome me back, as much as i wish they would..
i also feel stuck. like i can't move forward because i'm so stuck on the past. so many things happened and i don't know how to cope. i dont know how to get past it. i mean, i have an idea.. but it's highly unlikely that it will happen. i want to see my dad, but he doesn't want to see me. he is my closure. if i could just hear him say that he loves me and cares, still. i could start moving forward. but i have to be in the same room as him. i can't get anything but words out of an email. there is no emotion in an email. i need to see his face, his eyes. i need to hear how he says every word. i want real proof, i want to actually see on his face that he misses me, that he cares, that he loves me. emails are good so that i know that he is at least thinking of me.. but then again, i haven't heard from him in over a month.. in a way i feel scared to move forward. scared that i'll mess up again. i need a job so i can get my health insurance. so i can go to the doctors. so i can pay the insurance on my car. so i can buy a new laptop. i'm relying on everyone to do my dirty work, and i feel like a selfish bitch. i can't get over it. every time i ask my friends dad for allowance, i feel like a bother, like i'm taking advantage. its why i try not to even bring it up, or remind him. and when i do get it, i usually use it for the benefit of others, to try helping myself feel better. like i put gas in my friend's car, or give it to a friend for gas money when we hang out.
i feel like a failure. i feel that my dad would be disappointed at who i've become. he did the things he did to keep me safe, and yet, i'm still cutting. i thought i was over that phase. i thought i could cope in other ways, but i just can't. when i do it now, its like i'm back home. and i remember all the dozens of times i did it. and how my dad was there for me. no matter what. yeah, i'm not doing many cuts, but they are getting deeper. and i think its because the pain is getting deeper as well. it's been close to two years since i last saw my dad. and i mean, really see him. not just driving by in a parking lot.
i feel like a liar as well. i'm constantly walking around with a fake smile on my face. putting on an act for the benefit of the people around me. no one really knows how i feel. no one really would be able to know. i can't talk. i'm so bad at it. and i hate it. but i can't talk. i'll write, but who has the time, or patience to read what i have to say. who would care enough to do so anyway. i'm a lost, lying failure who can't move forward. what is there to love. i use to think i could see what others see in me. but i can't anymore. i'm losing it. and i dont know what to do.

FaLl

rocks so sharp

drop so steep

the water below so dark

the ocean so deep

to fall is to skydive

touching the clouds

knowing she's alive

separate from the crowd

arms spread like wings

leaning in to kiss the air

mind flashing back through everything

the wind pushing her hair

hitting the water, like concrete

but sinking to the ocean floor

now her life is complete

she waits, now, for the water to push her to shore

rAiN

i'm walking all alone

i love it how i'm sighing

as the rain falls on my face

so no one knows i'm crying

slowly i move on

overwriting what it know

my past life...

life as i know it should show

i see the end of the rainy path

sun is up ahead

i'll leave the rest of these thoughts behind me

until it rains again

StReSs

everything in life piles up on you. it happens to everyone. i had a major break down the other night. i was home (living with a friend) with me boyfriend and my friend's dad. for the past few weeks my stress had been piling up. my ex had been drunk texting and calling me. i was upset that my adoptive dad doesn't want to see me anymore. i'm worried about both of my adoptive parents because they seem to look unhealthy and i fear they wont be around much longer. and yet i still care, even though they think i dont. i was finally taking steps to finding my biological family. and a day after talking to my sister she found our uncle's grave and where our great grandmother is. only a day after discussing what we were going to do. thing just suddenly seemed to be moving so fast. plus the thought that i wasn't going to be good enough for my biological family. that i would be a disappointment. i was stressed and paranoid. then i got a letter from the college i had gone to for the past two semesters telling me that i owe them $2500. i don't have that kind of money. and social services told me that i had nothing to worry about financially, that they had it taken care of. of course recently they dropped my case, blaming me even though i hadn't heard from my social worker in over two months before they dropped me. so now i also have no health insurance. and im in the process of getting a car so that i can get a job. when i get a job then i can get health insurance (or so i hope, otherwise i dont know what the hell im going to do). basically everything seemed to pile up at once. after receiving the letter from the college i had the urge to have a cigarette and then a strong drink. i had a drink that caused me to be drunk within ten minutes. i don't remember what happened after the drink. however, my boyfriend told me he came in the room and my stomach was covered in blood. i had put a gash in my side. him and my friend's dad were debating calling 9-1-1, but decided against it because (1) i don't have health insurance and (2) they would have kept me there if they found out it was self inflicted. so they fixed me up. i sobered up and started to regret. and suddenly i was hating myself again... i fucking hate stress. there is way too much of it. sure, someone somewhere has it worse off than me (believe me, i know people who do) but this is bad enough for me. and i can hardly take it...

sAd AnD aLoNe

nothing seems to be going right.. in my head. the outside world, things are better. and yet so many memories haunt me. i want to go home, but i can not. i want to see my dad, but i can not. i want to see my baby (a cat i have had since i was 5 years old), but i can not. i want to pretend like nothing ever went wrong, but i can not. father's day is coming up, and all i can think about is my dad. the one who has always been there for me. took care of me. helped me with homework. stood up for me when my mom attacked me. then he goes and scares me and i have to put up a restraining order. i didn't want to. but i was forced to because it was up to my guardian at the time. because i had not been home in months because of my mom's abuse. and now that the restraining order is gone i feel like going to my home (yes, my home where everyone hates me now) and giving everyone there a hug. but i know the reaction i'll get. my dad will turn away. my mom will yell and call the cops. my brother will probably punch me in the face. my sister will stand behind him. i want things to go back to the way they were. i'd rather be abused day in and day out. i hate sitting here at a place that i can't consider my home. i've been living here for over a year now, but its not home. i beat myself up every time an old memory breaks through the barricade my mind set up. i want to talk it out. i want to talk to someone, but i can't find someone out there who is able to listen and understand. they need to be able to do both, or else it will be like me talking to a wall. i want my daddy back. i hate sitting here... sad and alone...

fOr Me

i want this. i want this so very badly. these horrible cravings i can not get rid of. i am a mother at heart. i know i am. i can feel it. i can sense it. i love children. i want to help them. i hope to some day be a child's therapist. but for now i sit and watch other mothers hold their children, take them for walks, take them to dinner...  i want a child of my own, but i can barely afford to keep myself stable. some day i hope to feel the touch of my own child snuggling against me. some day i hope to have a family of my own. some day i hope to find my happily-ever-after..

SiCk AnD tIrEd Of BeInG sIcK aNd TiReD

Sick and tired

of the world's ignorance

of the wrong people getting fired

of assholes who think they know everything

of too little people getting hired

of guys who just want a fling

of not being able to get inspired

of all the abuse to people and animals

of the false information that gets acquired

of too many homeless walking the street

of the society rules that are required

of all the shootings in the streets

of the selfish, ignorant people who are admired

of all the hate in people's hearts and the world

of being sick and tired

dAdDy

i know. i know he loves me. he said he does. but why can't i see him? why won't he see me? he's scared of me. hes afraid i am going to back stab him again. but he hurt me too. he told me all those things. he grabbed me like he shouldn't of. he caused me to take legal actions. i didn't want to. i trusted him. but i was scared. i had to help me for once. and everyone told me to do just that. they told me to be selfish for once. they told me to take care of me. so i did. for once. and because i did. because i cared about me, i lost my family. and now i know that i have lost my dad. i miss him so much, but he will never know exactly how much. there is only so much one can portray over an email. there is only so much emotion that can be shown. but never enough. i want to see him. i've had hope for a year that things will get better. i've had hope when i told myself that i would give up. i wanted to give up so that this would not happen. but because i had that hope, because i had some thought that things could get better, it hurts ten times more. i should have let go. i should have given up. now i am stuck wondering what would have happened if i hadn't made some of those choices back then. would i still have a family? would i still have my dad? would i have gotten in contact with my brother and his family? would things have gotten better at home over time? would i have gone to the hospital again? how many times? would i even be alive? at this point i dont care. talking doesn't help. smoking isn't helping. what the hell can i do to feel better? i just wanted to have a nice weekend. i wanted a relaxing weekend and come back to more happiness and relaxation. but instead i find out that my dad doesn't want to see me anymore. its a wonderful feeling, you know? feeling like you are hopeless in life. feeling like you have no place in the world. like everything you do messes everything up even more. i'm going to try sleeping. and if everyone is lucky.. i wont wake up.

PeAcE. oF. mInD.

Peace [pees]
noun
...
3. a state of mutual harmony between people or groups, especially in a personal relations: try to live in peace with your neighbors


Of [uhv, ov]
preposition
...
2. used to indicate derivation, origin, or source: a man of good family; the plays of Shakespeare; a piece of cake




Mind [mahynd]
noun
1. (in a human or other conscious being) the element, part, substance, or process that reasons, thinks, feels, wills, perceives, judges, etc.: the processes of the human mind




it is all we really ask for. and most people just expect it to come to them. no one says, "oh, hey. i'm just going to do something i like. if i'm happy for a little while, at least i would have found some peace of mind." that would be too difficult. instead we sit and wait for something to turn up. something that will let us be free of thought. something that will bring us happiness. maybe some people need to take into consideration the wise words of Hannah Arendt:

"Dedicate yourself to the good you deserve and desire for yourself. Give yourself peace of mind. you deserve to be happy. you deserve delight."

FeMaLeS

feeling her next to me, as opposed to him. its a nice thing to be able to say. she's so smooth under my finger tips. so graceful with her movements. feeling the curve of her hourglass figure is beautiful. her gentle touch gives me goosebumps in the best of places. she know's what she is doing. she knows how to press my buttons oh so perfectly...

CoNvErSaTiOn - My NiEcE

i sat alone in my booth. i looked at our conversation over and over. i kept analyzing it. i kept trying to make it go away in my mind. i had to find a way to make it seem as though she was lying. but in the end, i believe everything she says. i agree with everything she tells me. she's right. so i guess her and the family have good reason to hate me. i am the reason everything is fucked up. i am the reason... just listen to this. what do you think?

T- well let's see, you're psycho... because of you my grandfather almost went to jail.. not like you care or anything.. made J's life hell and probably more.. but like i said, not like you care or anything.

ME- are you kidding me?? i know i did. i fucking hate myself for it. i didn't want the fucking restraining order!! and i can't take it down. my stupid foster mom made me put it up!! why the hell would i want to do that to dad when hes done everything for me??

T- yeah you can, but you dont want to.. all the shit you wrote down about him is the reason why it is up. your not a normal teenager and why should people be nice to you when you make up lies?!?!?!?!

ME- WATT?? what fucking lies??? he did say those things to me. and he knows he did. and it scared me a lot. when i fucking opened my mouth to someone about it, they made the rest of the decisions. i can't take it down either because i would have to go through DCF whom also hate me. because of these stupid fucking mistakes i made, i'm homeless, jobless, and i dont have a family.

T- i highly doubt my grandfather did that to you. and don't call him dad cause clearly you dont care about him and he is your adopted dad.. you said he touched you and i dont fucking think he did.. the bull shit.. K raping you  but yet you would go to his house and wait for it... i wonder why they do.. they realized that you're fucking psycho.

ME- i get that everyone fucking hates my guts, ok? i know.

T- it takes looking to get a job and there are shelters.. so don't pull the pitty shit.. you had a great home and a great person to call your dad.. but you don't care about anyone but yourself...

ME- i do care!! and don't fucking say that i don't!! he did grab my ass. yes over clothes, and i did tell him to stop and he did. bit i was also told to write it. but i dont fucking care that he did. we would have worked through it if  not for my fucking foster mom who soon after kicked me out anyway.

T- fuck that.. what was this when you were little and he wanted to spank you and you took it differently.. do you know why you were taken away from your real parents??

ME- but its not like it matters to any of you. because no one wants to listen. you've all hated me from the start anyway. no. i dont know. and you dont either. so dont fucking bring my parents into this.

T- no, i loved you like a sister but when gram told me what you did, that pissed me off.. i could of lost my grandfather because of you.. you were taken away from your birth parents cause you were raped by your dad and your uncle.. when you came to MY grandparents house you were terrified of guys.. if we ordered food we had to get a girl to deliver our food and if they didn't have any girls that could drive then the driver had to stay outside.. one place did not listen and you freaked the fuck out...

ME- THATS NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!

T- they fucked up your mind state and i bed that is why when you get sexual with a guy you think its a rape when its nottt!! im sure if a guy made you suck his dick on the bus you would of done something to stop it.. that kid got expelled and that bus driver lost their job because of you. Ahhaha yesss it is.. you really think i'd lie to you.. i'm not a liar like you.. gram told me. it took you so long to get use to guys being around..

ME- its all fucking bullshit!! you're right, you're not lying. she is

T- but believe what you want.. you're crazy and you need a reality check.. so have a good day.. dont let J see you.... thats the fucking truth.. but i'm wasting my time talking to someone who wont listen.. pCe psycho

ME- you don't know anything!! I WON'T LISTEN??? the fuck are you talking about?? you're not listening!

T- clearly you dont if your still talking

ME- none of you ever have. its all bull shit. thats not why i was taken out of my home!

T- i did... but when you try to ruin my family, hell the fuck no.. your fucking stupid.

ME- i do care about everyone in that family whether you believe it or not i don't give a shit. but i do. i didn't try to ruin the family. i was protecting myself!

T- thats why my grandfather almost got locked up.. J is in job corp

ME- and now i'm the reason J has problems, too? that's great! DX

T- fuck you.. you were not protecting yourself.. you were psychotic and wanted attention. you always got him in trouble at school..

ME- of course i'm the on to blame for everything. bull shit!!!!

T- yessss you are.. open your fucking eyes and see it.. your a dumb bitch that always wanted the attention on her so you made up liessss!!!! fuck dude...

ME- i stayed away from him in school!

T- i'm done wasting my time with you.. byeee

ME- and B is lying, i have proof that nothing happened with my father and uncle! my sister's adoptive mom would know about it! so keep listening to that woman and you'll be just as well off as i am.

T- okay stfu.. you stupid

this all started long ago. when i was three i was adopted into this family. i had my parents, two younger siblings, and other foster children. i also had a biological sister who was adopted into another home because she was declared to be parentified, meaning that she acted as more of a mother towards me than she did a sister, thus it would be healthier for us to grow up in different homes. my adoptive mom used me around the house from the time i was adopted up to around the end of my freshman year of high school. up until i started to rebell i was used for chores. many of them. in general, i had to take care of pets, multiple younger children, the house, the pool, the yard, and the wood stove. there were more little things in each of these general chores. like with the house.. i had to vacuum the entire house, make around six beds every morning and occasionally change the sheets on each, wash and dry dishes, dusting the entire house, and the like. come middle school i began cutting. i was hospitalized for the first time at the end of my freshman year of high school. my high school career experienced around four to six hospitalizations for suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, self harm, post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anorexia, anxiety, and unhealthy behavior patterns. it absolutely sucked. in the past year,  a lot has happened. these winter months are the worst though.

november 2010 i was taken out of my adoptive home and put in a hospital and then into foster care. december a restraining order was put up against my dad for inappropriate behavior. january is my birthday month, but when i turned 13 in '06 my birthday had been forgotten. a month later my best friend died of cancer. i've never looked forward to my birthday since then. my best friend was technically my adoptive mom's best friend. they did everything together and had a bid of a routine by going out every monday night. but i considered her my best friend because i felt a close bond with her even though we never really talked or anything. i just felt a piece of me die the same time she did.

but basically this conversation was between me and my niece. she blames me for how the family has turned out. when i was harassed on a daily basis, multiple times per day. sometimes physical, but usually mental/verbal. i know nothing of my biological parents. but i was never told the theory that my niece told me. i even asked my sister's mom. she would know something of this magnitude. but she said she did not know, thus it is not true.

its so hard to read and reread everything in this conversation. its so hard to disagree with how she is feeling. i hate myself too. i understand. if i were any of them i'd hate me too. hell, i am me and i hate me. i'm so confused and pissed and upset. i dont know what to think. i'm having such a hard time trusting anyone. i just can't. and its mostly because i fear i am going to hurt them. i feel that that is something that i'm gifted at... hurting others. especially those i care about. even though time and time again i am told that its not true. that i dont have to worry about them. that they are there for me no matter what. and then something goes wrong and they hate me and use everything i've told them against me. i want to trust again, but i dont know if i am even capable of it anymore. its so hard. i just dont know what to do..