nothing seems to be going right.. in my head. the outside world, things are better. and yet so many memories haunt me. i want to go home, but i can not. i want to see my dad, but i can not. i want to see my baby (a cat i have had since i was 5 years old), but i can not. i want to pretend like nothing ever went wrong, but i can not. father's day is coming up, and all i can think about is my dad. the one who has always been there for me. took care of me. helped me with homework. stood up for me when my mom attacked me. then he goes and scares me and i have to put up a restraining order. i didn't want to. but i was forced to because it was up to my guardian at the time. because i had not been home in months because of my mom's abuse. and now that the restraining order is gone i feel like going to my home (yes, my home where everyone hates me now) and giving everyone there a hug. but i know the reaction i'll get. my dad will turn away. my mom will yell and call the cops. my brother will probably punch me in the face. my sister will stand behind him. i want things to go back to the way they were. i'd rather be abused day in and day out. i hate sitting here at a place that i can't consider my home. i've been living here for over a year now, but its not home. i beat myself up every time an old memory breaks through the barricade my mind set up. i want to talk it out. i want to talk to someone, but i can't find someone out there who is able to listen and understand. they need to be able to do both, or else it will be like me talking to a wall. i want my daddy back. i hate sitting here... sad and alone...
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