It's a new start. A new life. I chose it for me. For the first time in my life I chose me over anyone else or the fear of how they'll see me. I'll admit it was a rough landing getting here. But more often than not, we need to go through the bad to get to the good. I can't believe I found this place. A stroke of luck, I suppose.
Unfortunately, the engagement is off... I love him, but my sanity was slipping. I need me to be happy. I kept thinking that I'll be throwing the past two years out the window. But the past two years helped me to grow. I don't regret a single moment. He was amazing and caring and funny and generous. Any woman would be lucky to have him, honestly. But I found something here. Something I never thought I'd find. Actually... A place I never thought even existed. I don't regret my decision to end things with him. I do feel for him. I hate the pain I brought him. I know that to him and everyone who knew us, it is unexpected. But it's been bothering me for a while. I just thought my depression was rough and I had to just deal with it and settle for the rest of my life. But I was shown a new way to live and feel.
This is all new for me. Being able to be me around the clock. Having a routine that doesn't involve trying to help someone overcome mental setbacks. Focusing on my mental health and my happiness. I've never gone multiple days in a row without thinking about self harm or suicide. I always had a plan. I always observed my surroundings and saw all the ways out that moment provided. But since coming here, I've been so content that I haven't had those thoughts. Maybe it won't be a good fit. Maybe it's too good to be true. But I would regret not trusting myself enough to give it a try. It is my happiness after all, right?
So I'm here. I'm in a new family. A new house. A new home. A new state. My whole life left behind 1000 miles away. I feel no regret. I feel no pain. I feel content and ready to take on this new chapter. I hope its a long one.
