i DoN't HaVe To TrY

My life has been spent trying my best to stay out of the way. I don't like confrontation; I don't want confrontation. I can't handle angry energy. I just can't. I do my best to not upset anyone. But it just seems to happen. I don't have to try...

Growing up, my mom was jealous of how close I was with my dad. In stead of defending me, she abused me. It was throwing me against things, kicking/stomping on me, hitting me up until I learned how to use a phone. Then it turned into words. She knew just how to sharpen those words so that they would cut as deep as possible. There was fighting everyday. If it wasn't with me, it was with my dad about me. I couldn't escape it. I was an A/B student in school. I stayed out of trouble. I was a good kid. I did it all to show her that I was. I didn't understand at that time why she hated me so much. So I just stayed out of her way and out of her sight as much as I could. I didn't want to provoke something. But... it happened anyway. I didn't have to try.

I still have those instincts over a decade later. I still run from anger. Whether it's towards me or not. When I feel it in the air, I will keep to myself. I will hide. Doesn't matter if the anger is justified, I will react the same. I know I fuck up. I don't want anyone to hold back how they feel. It is what it is. I just have to "protect myself". When it feels like the anger has subsided I will come out of hiding and try to talk it out. But as long as I can feel it, I turn inward. When it's towards me, I will hide away behind closed doors and cry until I can't. If I can't do that, I am silent and stuck in my head in a kind of trance, "what did I do wrong? How could I have handled it better? Why am I like this? They're going to leave me now..." I will blame myself and try to fix it in my head. And go over and over in my head what to say or do next. Not that any of it likely comes out. I generally have a hard time finding words to speak. Anger has a way of finding me, I don't have to try.

Tonight, I fucked up. I shouldn't have let my frustration and feeling overwhelmed take such a strong hold on me. All I could think was to get out and drive. The child was restless, so I wanted to bring him for a ride and a walk at my calming place. Instead I just grabbed things and tried to walk out the door. It wasn't the way to do that. When you got upset, so did I. But not with you. I was mad at myself. I was mad that I upset you. And as much as I can't handle being around anger, it's just as hard for me to deal with my own. It jump starts my depression. But I did what I could to calm down. I turned on music. I cut my nails so I wouldn't cut myself. Depression hit me hard for some reason. And my brain went there. I have a difficult time getting back out of my head. Especially after crying. I hate that about me. It's so easy for me to be mad and stay mad at myself. I really don't have to try.

Know this, tho. I could never be angry with you. Or at least, I can't think of a situation that could happen to cause that. I saw that I messed up. I didn't want to do it again; not even accidentally. I know you can have a short fuse, especially when you're already stressed or upset like you were today. Just know that you are my world. You are a huge part of why I am so happy. I don't want to lose you. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love you with all I am. I don't have to try.

X

 Sick to my stomach talking to my own child all because I don't know if his father is listening. We'll call him X. X has all the control. Our child lives with him halfway across the country. One could argue that I did this to myself. I walked away from X. I lost my right to have any control. I've allowed for X to control me the way he does and use our son as a pawn to get me to follow his rules. Its not fair to our child. That's all it is.

I've tried to get our son to visit me when I lived in my home state. I lived with someone X knew and had no argument about being around, but he only visited once in 5 years. I've visited 3 times. I or my family paid for all the visitations. At this point, my life has moved me to a new state, with a new family, a new life. I am the happiest I ever thought I could be with a couple amazing people. I had a child with them recently. I have yet to tell my first child that he has a half brother because X didn't want him to know about the pregnancy. I could find reasoning to agree with that. I mean, what if something happened and the pregnancy became invalid. So I didn't say anything. But I gave birth over 3 weeks ago now. X has had some reason/excuse for telling me no. I've listened. If I were to go against his wishes I risk losing the ability to talk to my child. Tonight's excuse was that our child "has not been doing well". I tried asking why but he stopped replying. So I agreed to hold off on the introduction.

Yes! I have tried finding legal counsel! But its so difficult to find help from about 8,000 miles away and no money to put into legal counsel. I am losing my mind! I am currently angry. I just want to tell him off. Tell him the things I know. Tell him that I don't appreciate how much shit he talks about me, including in front of our child. Even when I've been alone with our child, I've never said one bad thing about X, however, he is convinced that I have and I will if given the chance. The nasty, insensitive things that he has said about me to other people, to the chicks he's screwing (because he apparently does more than one 'relationship' at a time), to and around our child... It astounds me. 

I shouldn't feel anxious and sick to my stomach every time I reach out to try to talk to my child. The chance that I have to talk to X makes me want to cry. I can't handle this much longer. I need to find help. I need to do something. But I'm scared. I'm scared I'll lose my child. I'm scared of X.