i know. i know he loves me. he said he does. but why can't i see him? why won't he see me? he's scared of me. hes afraid i am going to back stab him again. but he hurt me too. he told me all those things. he grabbed me like he shouldn't of. he caused me to take legal actions. i didn't want to. i trusted him. but i was scared. i had to help me for once. and everyone told me to do just that. they told me to be selfish for once. they told me to take care of me. so i did. for once. and because i did. because i cared about me, i lost my family. and now i know that i have lost my dad. i miss him so much, but he will never know exactly how much. there is only so much one can portray over an email. there is only so much emotion that can be shown. but never enough. i want to see him. i've had hope for a year that things will get better. i've had hope when i told myself that i would give up. i wanted to give up so that this would not happen. but because i had that hope, because i had some thought that things could get better, it hurts ten times more. i should have let go. i should have given up. now i am stuck wondering what would have happened if i hadn't made some of those choices back then. would i still have a family? would i still have my dad? would i have gotten in contact with my brother and his family? would things have gotten better at home over time? would i have gone to the hospital again? how many times? would i even be alive? at this point i dont care. talking doesn't help. smoking isn't helping. what the hell can i do to feel better? i just wanted to have a nice weekend. i wanted a relaxing weekend and come back to more happiness and relaxation. but instead i find out that my dad doesn't want to see me anymore. its a wonderful feeling, you know? feeling like you are hopeless in life. feeling like you have no place in the world. like everything you do messes everything up even more. i'm going to try sleeping. and if everyone is lucky.. i wont wake up.
