gOoD dAy?

 

It's been a good day. I slept about 9 hours. I got up and got dressed. I went on a work trip with my love. Driving around. I slept a couple times in the van. We talked about nothing. We laughed. We ate. I made it through the day. I did it. I kept up the mask today. As much as I wanted to curl up and stay home in bed. As much as I wanted to just not get up. I just wanted to lay there are cry. I got up. I functioned. Good for me. I did what any normal person has to do on a daily basis. I feel shitty for feeling proud. Especially since I did all this and got home to feel just as shitty as when I woke. I just want to cry. I just want to curl up and not wake up. I just want all the damn tension to be gone. 

I think the main issue is, when I got home, jokes were made at my expense. Calling me blonde because I got the foods mixed up. If I weren't already so on edge around you, maybe I could have laughed along with you. But instead it felt more like you were laughing at me. And just the other night you claimed we shouldn't talk and that you're not comfortable around me. And I heard the follow up when I didn't give you the response You wanted, "I guess someone can't take a joke". I heard you. But you want to joke with me? I can not handle this back and forth. I've been doing my part. I've stayed away. I've tried to stay alone so you have "your people" all to yourself. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone about playing with my ritual knife. I wasn't going to tell anyone about wanting to run it down my arm. I wasn't going to say anything about part of me wanting to plunge it through my gut. I wasn't going to tell anyone that I had nightmares about actually following through with it. I don't want the attention like you do. And I don't want to stand in your way. 

I don't want to worry anyone. To do that, I keep my mask on. I play the part and it's like I am fine. It's like I'm actually happy. No one has to worry. No one has to suspect... However, I did tell them. I told them most of it. I told them my thoughts. I told them most of it. For safety reasons alone. I don't want the attention you hope to get. I want to actually get help and fix my mental health, not find loopholes so a professional isn't sought out. I actually want to be better. I can't let myself be brought so low by someone who doesn't see their own faults. I need to stay strong...

But another day down where everything is technically fine. I mean, today was better throughout the day because I was out and about with someone who did everything he could to keep me smiling and comfortable. And now I am sitting here wishing for... well nothing good. I slept last night, but I woke exhausted again. I kept my mask in place today and also felt happy for the most part. But I am still struggling to hang on. I hate it. I hate it so damn much. I just want to live somewhere and for once feel absolutely comfortable and not like a goddamn target. But it was a good day. Right?

oVeRwHeLmEd

I woke up. I did my chores. I sit alone in my bed unable to move. Unable to really function. My anxiety so high with no real reason. I cry. It doesn't help. It makes the hole feel bigger. So damn drained. I find myself questioning my purpose again. It's not healthy. I don't know what to do. I just want to function properly. I just want things to be peaceful again. Progress is made followed by ten steps backward. I don't know how to keep living this way. Relapsing is in the front of my mind. I won't, but it's there. I need to acknowledge it or it'll eat at me until I break. So it is there. I may cry again, but I don't think I have any tears left. As much as I am loved and cared for by two, the one with hatred is so overwhelming it makes the light so hard to see. I try to help and I'm still wrong, I'm still terrible, I'm still a monster. I try to help and I end up triggered, I end up haunted, I end up drained, I end up wishing it was all just over. 

I hate me. No matter where I go, no matter who takes me in, I end up the monster, the target, the hated. It's not just that, though. It's all with such force that I can't see through it, past it. I can't see all the good. It's overwhelming. I've done well training myself to see the good, to look for the silver lining in everyday. But it's getting so damn hard. I still end up waking from a restless night, doing my chores, and wondering why the hell I'm even alive...

LaCk Of ReSt

Everyday has felt like a chore lately. I go to bed drained and wake up exhausted. Yes, there has been conflict, but not enough to merit such a strong spell of depression. But I don't let it stop me. I wear a mask most days. A nice smile that keeps the questions at bay. I'm not ok, but I can't say it because I have no cause to it, I just am. I need a reason to feel so low. The most common thing I catch myself thinking, "I hate this. I hate me." And this has been eating at me and draining me further. I just want to sleep and rest. I want to feel refreshed. But I'm so low that my unconscious mind is unable to let me rest. And it's a vicious cycle. At this point caffeine spikes my anxiety, but that's it. It increases my heart rate, I have a physical reaction but I don't feel anymore awake. I try napping, but I can't. I lay in bed with my eyes closed just listening to the sounds around me and thinking. Always thinking. I could take a sleep aid. It'll knock me out, but I'll wake feeling just as tired as before I slept. I just want to relax, to sleep, to feel refreshed. Part of me feels scared, but I can't place why and I have nothing that's happened to cause any fear. Yet there it sits heavy on my chest. This fear of...I don't even know. Oh how I wish I did. I hate not understanding my mind. I need to know or I get more anxious, more upset. This depression is getting to be too much. I don't want it rubbing off on anyone. And my mask is getting more difficult to keep fully sealed on my face. The truth is seeping through, I can feel it. I'm too tired to pretend I'm ok. I continue to try, to force it for the sake of everyone else. Only because I care. I want to cry, but my eyes hurt from all the crying and lack of rest. I want to curl up and not move, but I have things that need to get done. I just want to stay in bed all day, but I know it'll make some worry. I just need to sleep. I just want to fucking rest..