sLeEp

I hate this. Laying in bed, waiting for sleep that seems to be avoiding me. Seeing that scene in my head play over, keeping me from even wanting to close my eyes. It's in the past, why can't it just stop? I've watched it over and over, yet here it remains. Locked in my head. It's not even the worst thing to ever happen to me. I don't get it. 

I had such a good day. A rough start, sure, but it ended well. Seeing the respect I have gained from loved ones. Learning just how much I can be me to the point that I didn't even recognize myself. That's terrifying. 

I want to sleep. I have what I need to sleep. Sure, I could take some kind of sleep aid, but I'll wake as tired as when I fall asleep, so what's the point? I don't think I've ever really been able to sleep through the night. If it's not one thing it's another. I mean, this time of year has me spiraling anyway, and I can't even explain it. I hate this. I hate me. I don't know what's wrong with me. Or how anyone can put up with my nonsense. I can't make sense of it. So it must be nonsense. 

I just want to rest. Just once.

gOoD dAy?

 

It's been a good day. I slept about 9 hours. I got up and got dressed. I went on a work trip with my love. Driving around. I slept a couple times in the van. We talked about nothing. We laughed. We ate. I made it through the day. I did it. I kept up the mask today. As much as I wanted to curl up and stay home in bed. As much as I wanted to just not get up. I just wanted to lay there are cry. I got up. I functioned. Good for me. I did what any normal person has to do on a daily basis. I feel shitty for feeling proud. Especially since I did all this and got home to feel just as shitty as when I woke. I just want to cry. I just want to curl up and not wake up. I just want all the damn tension to be gone. 

I think the main issue is, when I got home, jokes were made at my expense. Calling me blonde because I got the foods mixed up. If I weren't already so on edge around you, maybe I could have laughed along with you. But instead it felt more like you were laughing at me. And just the other night you claimed we shouldn't talk and that you're not comfortable around me. And I heard the follow up when I didn't give you the response You wanted, "I guess someone can't take a joke". I heard you. But you want to joke with me? I can not handle this back and forth. I've been doing my part. I've stayed away. I've tried to stay alone so you have "your people" all to yourself. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone about playing with my ritual knife. I wasn't going to tell anyone about wanting to run it down my arm. I wasn't going to say anything about part of me wanting to plunge it through my gut. I wasn't going to tell anyone that I had nightmares about actually following through with it. I don't want the attention like you do. And I don't want to stand in your way. 

I don't want to worry anyone. To do that, I keep my mask on. I play the part and it's like I am fine. It's like I'm actually happy. No one has to worry. No one has to suspect... However, I did tell them. I told them most of it. I told them my thoughts. I told them most of it. For safety reasons alone. I don't want the attention you hope to get. I want to actually get help and fix my mental health, not find loopholes so a professional isn't sought out. I actually want to be better. I can't let myself be brought so low by someone who doesn't see their own faults. I need to stay strong...

But another day down where everything is technically fine. I mean, today was better throughout the day because I was out and about with someone who did everything he could to keep me smiling and comfortable. And now I am sitting here wishing for... well nothing good. I slept last night, but I woke exhausted again. I kept my mask in place today and also felt happy for the most part. But I am still struggling to hang on. I hate it. I hate it so damn much. I just want to live somewhere and for once feel absolutely comfortable and not like a goddamn target. But it was a good day. Right?

oVeRwHeLmEd

I woke up. I did my chores. I sit alone in my bed unable to move. Unable to really function. My anxiety so high with no real reason. I cry. It doesn't help. It makes the hole feel bigger. So damn drained. I find myself questioning my purpose again. It's not healthy. I don't know what to do. I just want to function properly. I just want things to be peaceful again. Progress is made followed by ten steps backward. I don't know how to keep living this way. Relapsing is in the front of my mind. I won't, but it's there. I need to acknowledge it or it'll eat at me until I break. So it is there. I may cry again, but I don't think I have any tears left. As much as I am loved and cared for by two, the one with hatred is so overwhelming it makes the light so hard to see. I try to help and I'm still wrong, I'm still terrible, I'm still a monster. I try to help and I end up triggered, I end up haunted, I end up drained, I end up wishing it was all just over. 

I hate me. No matter where I go, no matter who takes me in, I end up the monster, the target, the hated. It's not just that, though. It's all with such force that I can't see through it, past it. I can't see all the good. It's overwhelming. I've done well training myself to see the good, to look for the silver lining in everyday. But it's getting so damn hard. I still end up waking from a restless night, doing my chores, and wondering why the hell I'm even alive...

LaCk Of ReSt

Everyday has felt like a chore lately. I go to bed drained and wake up exhausted. Yes, there has been conflict, but not enough to merit such a strong spell of depression. But I don't let it stop me. I wear a mask most days. A nice smile that keeps the questions at bay. I'm not ok, but I can't say it because I have no cause to it, I just am. I need a reason to feel so low. The most common thing I catch myself thinking, "I hate this. I hate me." And this has been eating at me and draining me further. I just want to sleep and rest. I want to feel refreshed. But I'm so low that my unconscious mind is unable to let me rest. And it's a vicious cycle. At this point caffeine spikes my anxiety, but that's it. It increases my heart rate, I have a physical reaction but I don't feel anymore awake. I try napping, but I can't. I lay in bed with my eyes closed just listening to the sounds around me and thinking. Always thinking. I could take a sleep aid. It'll knock me out, but I'll wake feeling just as tired as before I slept. I just want to relax, to sleep, to feel refreshed. Part of me feels scared, but I can't place why and I have nothing that's happened to cause any fear. Yet there it sits heavy on my chest. This fear of...I don't even know. Oh how I wish I did. I hate not understanding my mind. I need to know or I get more anxious, more upset. This depression is getting to be too much. I don't want it rubbing off on anyone. And my mask is getting more difficult to keep fully sealed on my face. The truth is seeping through, I can feel it. I'm too tired to pretend I'm ok. I continue to try, to force it for the sake of everyone else. Only because I care. I want to cry, but my eyes hurt from all the crying and lack of rest. I want to curl up and not move, but I have things that need to get done. I just want to stay in bed all day, but I know it'll make some worry. I just need to sleep. I just want to fucking rest..

bReAkInG tHe VoW

I vowed no one would know. No one would hear this story. No one could shame me more than the shame I feel coursing through me. It's been 4 years and I never thought about him again. This flashback I had. It shook me to the core. It shook me on a physical level. That's how I know it needs to come out. But I can't voice it. I can't physically talk about it. I fear it'll break me. So this is the next best thing...

My fianceé had dumped me. He lied and broke my spirit. I started meeting guys online. After this day, I never met anyone online again. I never told a soul. No one even knew I was gone...

I agreed to meet him at his house around 6pm. I don't even remember his name. I was expecting a house. I was expecting a gentleman. He was so charming and reassuring online. He met me out front and instructed me on where to park. It was the size of a trailer and he lived in the basement. A hand-full of vehicles of different types all but one broken down surrounding the building. The only bathroom was upstairs. He told me to use it if I needed to because I wouldn't be allowed back upstairs. That's when I knew I should run. But I was already inside and he was behind me. He was twice my size. I didn't stand a chance. I was scared and said I was fine. We went down stairs. There was trash and litter on the floor. Stained areas from leaking. An area of blankets in the middle of the floor as a makeshift bed. And a couch off to the side; stained and dirty. He told me to strip. I just stared at him in shock. He tried being charming again and started helping me. He told me to lay on the floor, on the blankets. I did. He turned on the TV. We watched for a few minutes. I don't remember what. I was taking in all the half burned candles and ritualistic looking items scattered around as decor. He rolled me over and started taking me from behind. Then he pulled me on top. Then he pushed me to my feet and led me to the couch with his hand on the back of my neck. He tried for anal. I screamed. He kept telling me to be quiet but I couldn't. I didn't have control. He put his hand over my mouth and nose until I passed out. When I woke I was laying on the floor next to him again, still naked. My ass throbbing. He asked if I needed to pee. I thought about being let upstairs and just running out the door; I said yes. He laid on his back and told me to stand over his face and go. I stood there for 10 minutes. I couldn't do it. My body wouldn't let me.

He'd had enough. He hit the backs of my knees so I fell to me knees on the floor above his head. He got up and took me from behind again. When he was finally done I was exhausted and passed out. When I woke it was about 6 the next morning. I had to pee so fucking bad. I was terrified to move. He was on the floor next to me. I laid their praying for it all to be over, for it all to be a dream. I felt him stir and the next thing I know he's inside me going as hard as he can. I lose control and pee on the blankets. He doesn't seem to notice as I cry. When he was done he hit me then yelled at me for the mess. He got up and grabbed a towel and told me to clean it. I stayed on my knees and soaked as much as I could into the towel. 

He sat on the floor then told me to give him a massage. I did. I did until it hurt to move my arms and had to stop. He yelled at me again. I can't even remember about what..

He got a phone call soon after and had to leave. As soon as I heard the door I shakily got dressed and grabbed my purse. I waited a few more minutes then booked it up the stairs and out to my car. I left as soon as I closed the car door. I made it to a store nearby where I parked and cried. I sobbed for about an hour, shaking and trembling and trying to get my head on straight. When I calmed down enough to see, I put on my seatbelt and headed home. No one greeted me. No one noticed my absence. No one noticed the marks on my neck and face.

It was better that way. I didn't have to explain. I didn't have to lie. And no one would ever know. No one could ever know. The flashback brought back that debilitating fear. I even cowered away from the man I love. His touch. His curious and concerned gaze. I couldn't tell him. What would he think of me? It's one confession that will never leave my lips. But it needs to come out. So I turn to the internet ...

LiTtLe AbOuT mE

 Recently found an essay from a hospital visit. I had to recap what put me in there. This was written when I was 17, a senior in high school... Here goes..

When I was 10 months old I was put into foster care. My older sister and I had been separated against our mother's wishes. But the judged claimed that because of parentification, my sister wouldn't grow up to live a normal life. She is now 19 years old and in college. When I was three years old my sister and I were adopted into separate families 30 minutes apart. When I was little I would have visits with her regularly. She was adopted into a religious, happy, caring family. I wasn't so lucky. Turns out my adoptive mom only wanted me because I wouldn't remember being adopted. I didn't figure out I was until middle school after asking the right questions.

I grew up living with my mom, dad, brother, and sister. They were both younger than me and biologically related to each other. My mom and I never really got along. To her I was like a puppet; I did what I was told and kept my mouth shut while she bad mouthed the few people she had in her life. My dad and I have gotten along for the past few years; starting when he realized the hell his wife was putting me through. Before that he would yell at me if she told him to and would always side with her in any and all situations. My brother is a year younger than me. For the most part we get along. I've had to call the cops on him, he's hit me, and has issues with anger and drugs. Actually, not too long ago my brother got into it with mom and ended up taking a hammer to a closet door that she wouldn't unlock for him. When the smoke settled she took him out and when they got back he had an ipod touch. This pissed me off. My younger sister is 4 years younger than me and for the most part we get along. She's always been the princess who can get away with anything and go anywhere with anyone she wanted. Neither of them ever being forced to do any chores. If I ever asked to go to a friend's house, I'd be yelled at for asking.

Mom and I never got along, as I mentioned earlier. I remember when I was 5 or 6 and learning to read. I was working on Dr. Seus's Hop On Pop. I had trouble pronouncing one of the stupid long words. I sat at the kitchen table being scolded to sound it out. But I lost interest and started watching all the daycare and foster kids play outside. After about a half hour mom got fed up and grabbed me by the hair, pulled me out of the chair throwing me against a wall and a counter. My mouth started bleeding so I looked up at her and told her. She sighed and dragged me to a bathroom to shove a wet washcloth in my mouth for a minute. After that, she sent me to bed even though it was the middle of the day. I napped and woke to her looking for clothes for my sister and I remember getting excited claiming my tooth was loose, not really connecting to what caused it. About a week later I went to a friends house and ended up telling my friend's mom about what happened. MISTAKE! She called mom when I wasn't around and confronted her. Mom convinced her it had been a bad dream. When I got home she scolded me and managed to convince me that it was a dream too. Though I've never able to even touch a Dr. Sues book again.

When I wasn't in school I had chores to do. I vacuumed the basement, cleaned the three gerbil cages, organized the basement, dusted the whole house, vacuumed my room and the family room, made all five beds, washed the dishes, dried the dishes, put dishes away, vacuumed and brushed the in-ground pool, raked, swept, cleaned up toys, and helped take care of kids (ages ranging from new born to seven years old; as many as 12 in the house at a time). However, I did forget to do some things on occasion. I remember one day mom verbally listed off chores and things to do and I forgot to bring a gallon of orange juice from the basement fridge. For two hours she made me follow her around the house, then outside as she hung clothes on the line. Finally I remembered and told her I would go get the juice. She told me she already did and sent me to my room.

Around middle school age, I was talking to my biological sister on the phone and I asked her about our biological parents. And she only knew what she remembered. She was two when we were removed, so I wasn't going to fully believe her, but it was nice to get some kind of something to explain it. I guess she heard fighting downstairs and saw I was awake in my crib. She grabbed me and climbed out on a ledge outside our bedroom window. A neighbor saw and called social services. After she explained what she remembered I heard a click and realized someone had been listening in on our conversation. Turns out mom had sent my brother to the phone in the basement to listen in. Mom came at me yelling and cussing. I ran with my sister still on the phone and locked myself in the bathroom and sat behind the door. Mom unlocked it and began squishing me between the door and the wall. I was screaming in pain and fear. Mom finally got in and grabbed the phone. She immediately hung up and told me that my sister was lying and she would tell me the truth when I was ready. After that I was only allowed to talk to my sister if mom was on the other line. I only talked to her maybe 2 times in the span of a couple years, until I got my cell phone.

Come 8th grade I was really starting to notice my depression. About halfway through the year I started cutting my arms. Initially it was to get attention from my parents. But the more I did it the more it felt like a release; a greater pain than the pain of my emotions. It felt so good. After a while my friends started to notice. They'd tell me it wasn't healthy and to stop. I started feeling guilty and overwhelmed so I would cut. When I finished I'd feel worse about cutting and cut more. It was an endless, vicious cycle. That same year my best friend passed away of cancer. I know she was technically mom's friend, but she was the only person I felt close to. And when she was gone, mom became more hostile.

My freshman year I was raped by my brother's friend from church. I couldn't remember it. But the blood the next morning was a hint. Plus he called me to tell me that his protection broke. I was petrified. I didn't tell anyone until we started family counseling. I grew to trust one of the counselors and told her; she promised to keep it between us. The next time she visited she told me she had to tell my mom even though my dad already knew. I begged her not to. After that I refused to talk to her. After a few more weeks she told me she gave up and never came back. And because of that counselor my new nickname was whore. During that summer I was barely home. I would leave notes saying where I was going, and I'd leave. Mom and I weren't talking at that point, but I wanted to do the right thing and at least let her know where I would be. One day I met up with my boyfriend of the time at the library. Talked and played in the grass until he got a phone call from our friend. He told us that my niece called him saying I was missing and had been for 8 hours (when I had only been gone for 4). She threatened to call police so my boyfriend and I started walking back to my house. We stopped at the convenience store next door where his mom picked him up. I walked over and as I set foot on our yard my niece came out yelling and cussing about leaving and being a terrible person and irresponsible. Mom stood in the door and watched. After the yelling I lost it and went in the woods to attempt bleeding out. Dad found me and took me to my first therapy session that had apparently been scheduled that day. I lasted five minutes before she had me sent to the ER to tend to the gashes in my arms. I was sent to a hospital for the first time where I stayed for a week. During one of my family meetings mom said something that took me off guard and upset me deeper than I thought possible. She told the counselor, "I just want the old Nikki back". I couldn't believe she said it. She caused this. I am still me. I couldn't understand. 

Sophomore year my brother and I went on a bike ride. When we got back we put our bikes away and went out for a swim. I was standing at the edge of the deep-end when I heard her yell, "If you say one more thing I will go put holes in your bike tires!" She was talking to my brother. Then she turned and glared at me, so I smiled waved and said, "Hi, mommy!" as I jumped in the water. When I came back up from the water I heard her cussing and yelling and heading to the shed where our bikes were with a steak knife. I followed her trying to get her to stop. She picked up a shovel leaning on the shed and took a few steps towards me, so I took a few steps back, but continued to follow. My brother had caught up to us by this time (later telling me he wished she had hit me with the shovel so he would have had a reason to attack her). She continued cussing and at one point mentioned calling the cops so I retorted, "what are you going to tell them, a bunch of lies?" This pissed her off enough to run towards me with the steak knife held up; I booked it into the pool where I knew she wouldn't follow. She ended up letting air out of the tires. The following weekend, I got home from school where she told me that cops had shown up looking for me. Terrified I ran to my room and cut. Turns out a friend of mine called them looking for the number for social services to send a complaint about the previous weekend. The cops came back that evening and saw the damage I had done to my arms and convinced me to get in the ambulance. After a week in the hospital a detective shows up to investigate. I told him everything. He also talked to everyone else. When he left he deemed it was a normal relationship between mother and daughter. The case was dropped.

Junior year was the year of nicknames. One day I was helping my dad on the roof. We'd been removing shingles for a couple hours and he asked me to go make him some iced tea. As I finished mom came at me with "Daddy's little girl", "gotta go help daddy", and my personal favorite, "Daddy's pussy". I yelled back "stop harrassing me!" and she yelled back "NO!".

Later in the fall I was assaulted on the bus. A kid forced me to give him a blow job. Yes, there were other people there, no, I didn't scream. This kid had punched me in the face a few times before for playfully taking his hat. I had laughed it off thinking I deserve it. A friend of mine catches wind of the assault and tells a counselor who contacts the police and I am forced to court. Restaining order and all which is still ongoing. After that I had even more issues concentrating in class and my grades started slipping. This was hard on my because I took pride in my grades. I always got As and Bs with occasional Cs. My depression got so bad that I even started cutting in class. The teachers didn't even notice. I would have occasional meltdowns during lunch. I would feel them coming on and would run out of the room. At one point I was followed by my bestest friend. She convinced me to go with her to see my counselor. Little did she know I was planning to jump off the third story stairwell where she found me. From there I was picked up by my dad who brought me to the hospital. I went to one for a week then transferred here for a week. And when I leave I will be getting a fresh start with a foster family who happens to be a friend of mine from school. I look forward to using the coping skills I've learned here....

So many memories. I actually hadn't remembered all of them when I decided to read through it.. Longer than I expected and I can feel a spiral coming on.... Deep breaths....

WaTeR aNd MoOn

Sitting at the waters edge

Seeing it glisten and shine

The moon staring patiently back at me

Through her reflection

The water looks so calm and inviting

But I wonder if I were to dive in

Would I want to come back up?

Just sink and let the gentle flow hug me

I worry I'd enjoy that hug too much

And I have people who care

And people I care for

I couldn't try it again

I wouldn't.

So I sit and let my mind wander

To the past and the present

I'm terrified of the future

I won't let my mind wander there

A day at a time

One foot in front of the other

Sitting to breathe and reorient myself

The water is beautiful tonight

So still it's like I'm looking at the sky

The moon is watching

She doesn't judge

She knows the struggles

And she sends her light to remind me

How far I've come

How lucky I am to have what I have

Just a few more breaths of this quiet moment

Maybe I'll even go home

But that's in the future, no matter how close

And I won't go that far ahead

aLl ThAt RePiTiTiOn

You left people behind for this.

You left places behind for this.

You left pets behind for this.

You left settling behind for this.

You left everything behind for this.

Your happiness comes first.

And you're just so happy.

So damn happy.

Talking to someone who twists your words.

Talking to someone who looks for loopholes in your reasoning.

Talking to someone who clearly has no interest in your feelings.

Talking to someone who only cares about themselves.

Talking to someone who feels they are always right.

Talking to someone who invalidates your emotions.

Talking to someone who doesn't feel they need

to apologize for their actions or their hurtful words.

Trying to hang on.

Trying to believe in the happiness you found here.

Trying to stay happy.

Trying to sleep.

Trying to eat.

Trying to make them happy while you're on eggshells.

Trying to fight the urge that has surfaced for the first time in months...

fInDiNg WoRdS

 For days I've been searching for words.

The best words to show my feelings for you.

A cute meme with the words that I can't seem to fully express on my own.

An actual poet with the right finesse to clarify my feelings.

But nothing seems to be just right.

Nothing seems to dictate exactly where my heart stands.

I want to use words that are just right.

Words that after you read them will cause you to look at me

With those deep, soulful eyes of yours.

I see the look every now and then.

Sends shivers down my spine and butterflies around in my soul.

It's like you get me, you see me, you want me, you need me.

I can't even find the right song to express it.

It's frustrating.

I wish you could see into my mind more clearly. 

I wish looking into each other's eyes would be enough to relay

The thoughts that flutter around in my heart.

As nervous as I am, I look forward to whatever our future holds.

I want to fasten my soul with yours.

I want to have a child that has your brilliant mind and unblinking kindness.

A heart so large and mind so bright that nothing will make her falter. 

I know not what the future holds.

But with you by my side, I know I can handle it.

I will have my bad days.

Likely more often than most.

I am still fighting my demons from the distant past and recent.

I promise to stand by you, fight for you, love you, and cherish you.

I don't expect everyday to be amazing.

I don't expect to have your undivided attention all the time.

I love you. I trust you.

As much as I am currently capable.

Maybe one day I'll find the perfect poem, perfect words.

Able to portray the thoughts that flutter through my mind

Every time I think of you. Every time you're away.

I hope these words will suffice for now.

I will continue hunting for just the right message to tell you

How much I love you.

TaLkInG tO mYsElF aGaIn

 I'm trying.

I'm trying so hard.

Leave it be, Sarah.

Nothing more you can do.

Wake up. let the big girls out. feed the rabbit. let the small girl out. put the dog breakfast down. feed the chickens. let the girls in to eat. have a smoke. get dressed. check laundry level. do dishes. maybe clean something. distract yourself. play music. drown out the world that seems to be continuously crumbling around you.

I hate this.

The constant frustration.

Walking on eggshells.

The constant repetitive arguments.

Just one good day. its all I wanted. just the one. it looked promising, a wonderful date night. but not my luck. not my life. no. but I'm not the only one suffering. it's not fair. how can someone want things to be peaceful then turn around and look for drama. look for something to complain about? you said you want us to be happy. well, that's not possible if you can't let go. it's just not. I guess that's fine for you because you continue to get what you want. no worries there.

Stop it.

Not your place.

You have no say in this.

Shut up.

Yet I need to let it out. I need to say something. I know, its the same shit, different day. I get it. it sucks. neck, shoulders and back feel ready to break. so much tension. vitamins aren't doing their job. headaches everyday, still. can barely move most days, but I push through it and hope no one notices. been taking up enough of everyone's time. keep to myself, its safer that way. no one else gets hurt by your words. 

Still not your place.

Keep your mouth shut.

You're making things worse.

Focus on yourself.

how does one focus on not being stressed in a stress-filled environment? continue walking on eggshells. things will work out, right? could try meditating. being wanted to be social, yet all I want to do is hide in my room where I can't cause anymore problems. no stress if I don't get involved, right? no. it finds me. it always does.

Keep your head down.

Keep your mouth shut.

Try to only be visible when wanted.

You've got this.

mInD vS hEaRt

 All I want is to be happy.

All I want is to be loved, cared for, and appreciated.

I've found that.

I've found a forever home.

But I've thought that before.

What will become of me,

When they tire of me?

What will become of my heart,

If I trusted wrong again?

I hate this feeling that sticks in my soul

And screws with my mind.

Too many times I've gone through hell.

Too many times, I've had to tape, glue, and staple

My heart back together.

Pieces are still missing from all the abuse and confusion.

My heart wants to trust so badly.

My mind knows it's never going to be the right time.

Everyone leaves.

Everyone will tire of me.

Everyone will ultimately hate me.

My mind is cruel.

My heart is too lonely to think clearly.

I love you.

I truly do.

I am in love with you.

That's terrifying for me.

But how do I let go of the past that has me crippled?

How do I make myself trust again?

How can I let myself feel this bliss?

I'm just not sure I can.

I hope you don't hate me for it.

Anew

I've started anew.

Wiped my slate clean;

Unfamiliar surroundings all around.

Of my future, I will be queen.

I've started anew.

Nothing to hold me back,

No one to bring me down.

Yet my mind is so dark it's black.

I've started anew.

Why can't I just be happy?

I've done what I need for me.

But still I feel so crappy.

I've started anew,

But I still hate my mind.

All the doubts and 'what ifs'

That keep my heart in a bind.

I've started anew.

I've found my soulmate.

Or maybe I just think I have?

What happens when we depreciate?

I've started anew,

And I'm scared of all that could go wrong.

Perhaps I can work through this.

I just need to find the right song.

3Am MeNtAl BrEaK-dOwN

 

you know you have no right to feel this way, right?

what do you mean?

you're jealous. of her?

no. I'm mad at her. she's hurting people I care deeply for.

no. you're jealous that she's taking time away from you.

I mean, in a way, yes. but it's more of the way she's doing it. being conceited and only thinking about herself and her own happiness.

yeah. but she was here first. don't you think they would have confronted the problem by now? they are adults, right?

shut the fuck up. you don't understand. they care about her. they care so much they are willing to put her ahead of their own needs.

you were like that, you know. hell, that's how you lived for nearly 26 years. Then you went and tried to kill yourself. tried. you failed at that like you do everything else. you try to help, but all you do is make a bigger mess. you're not doing anyone any favors, you know.

I feel like I'm making some kind of difference...

well, why don't you confront her?

I have. multiple times. she won't listen to me.

so why don't you give her what she wants? it's the only reason she wanted you here in the first place. give it to her. make some peace.

that's not how this is suppose to work. if I give in, then she'll just keep up the same behavior, except I'll be personally wrapped up in it. I don't love her. I don't even like her right now. she has potential, if she could just care about anyone else..

fine. then just let it go. stop getting so fucking emotional over something that doesn't involve you.

don't you think I've tried?? I had a great time and talk with him tonight. the night was ending on a good note. but we can't be together, alone, for extended periods of time. it's not allowed. or at least she makes it seem that way. I was angry. I tried journaling. I went for a drive in the middle of the night for almost an hour; just going in circles. it helped, but I'm still so angry.

I don't get it. why care so much? why are you doing this to yourself? didn't you decide to be here to be happy? didn't you end a two year relationship for this?

don't fucking remind me! I hate myself for how much pain he was in. but the bad outweighed the good in that relationship. I was happy when I made the decision. I let my walls down for this family.

NO YOU HAVEN'T! you wouldn't do that for anyone. that one was with you for two years and he barely knew you! you've known these people for a couple months and you think you've let your walls down? well, you're in for a surprise. there are still things you don't remember, but let me help you with that. here's just a little something to remind you that you'll never let your walls down all the way. no one can earn that much trust so fast.

why are you doing this? I care about them. I just want them to be happy. but this empathy crap makes me feel just how much they're hurting. I mean, it's all over their faces too. I don't know how she doesn't fucking see it. everyone is miserable. including her. but she won't even try to change. she won't listen. it's like she thinks they're just trying to trick her or something.... why would you make me remember that?? fucking hell.... I care about them. and because I care, I want to protect them. I do this because I just want to help them. all of them. but I can't seem to get it right.

of course not. you suck at this. you've only ever torn people apart. your own families. the ones forced upon you, the ones you chose, and even the one you made. your son will never love you fully, you know. he'll be guarded. you abandoned him just like you complain about being abandoned. so you know how it feels, but you fucking did it anyway. didn't you?!

yes.

there we go. some acceptance will go a long way. so just let it go. let this go. they'll be getting rid of you soon too, I'm sure. you've been slacking on your chores. you're only ever really wanted around for one thing - to be used. just like that memory... you're nothing but a dirty ragdoll. 

not true! they're not like that. they appreciate and respect me! they care!

oh? do they, really?

I mean, I think so. 

what are you doing to yourself. you are just a tortured soul who tortures others without even trying.

...I know... but I want to help...

but you can't. you've never helped anyone. not in the long run. why don't you do everyone a favor, huh? what was it your niece said to you? "why don't you kill yourself the right way?"

no! just fucking stop! I'm not going back to that place. I am happy here. I am. it's just a bit complicated right now. things always find a way of working out. always.

never have before. things just seem good for a little bit, then go right back to sucking to the point where you start having fucked up conversations with yourself. you know theres a way for you to get through all this without suicide or harm. just flip the switch. don't let yourself feel anything. it'll all be better. and you won't be so angry when it happens again.

I can't. I hate when I can't feel. 

so you'd rather feel everyone's pain than nothing?

yes. if I can't feel pain, how can I feel happy.

when do you ever feel happy??

when they're happy. when I'm around him. the way he looks at me. the way he seems to already understand what's on my mind. hanging out with his other half. we share so many laughs over absolute nonsense. I can just be myself around them. and I'm not myself when the switch is flipped. I'm just a hollow shell. I won't do that.

fine. obviously I'm getting nowhere. but I'll be back for next time.

A fReSh StArT

 

It's a new start. A new life. I chose it for me. For the first time in my life I chose me over anyone else or the fear of how they'll see me. I'll admit it was a rough landing getting here. But more often than not, we need to go through the bad to get to the good. I can't believe I found this place. A stroke of luck, I suppose. 

Unfortunately, the engagement is off... I love him, but my sanity was slipping. I need me to be happy. I kept thinking that I'll be throwing the past two years out the window. But the past two years helped me to grow. I don't regret a single moment. He was amazing and caring and funny and generous. Any woman would be lucky to have him, honestly. But I found something here. Something I never thought I'd find. Actually... A place I never thought even existed. I don't regret my decision to end things with him. I do feel for him. I hate the pain I brought him. I know that to him and everyone who knew us, it is unexpected. But it's been bothering me for a while. I just thought my depression was rough and I had to just deal with it and settle for the rest of my life. But I was shown a new way to live and feel.

This is all new for me. Being able to be me around the clock. Having a routine that doesn't involve trying to help someone overcome mental setbacks. Focusing on my mental health and my happiness. I've never gone multiple days in a row without thinking about self harm or suicide. I always had a plan. I always observed my surroundings and saw all the ways out that moment provided. But since coming here, I've been so content that I haven't had those thoughts. Maybe it won't be a good fit. Maybe it's too good to be true. But I would regret not trusting myself enough to give it a try. It is my happiness after all, right?

So I'm here. I'm in a new family. A new house. A new home. A new state. My whole life left behind 1000 miles away. I feel no regret. I feel no pain. I feel content and ready to take on this new chapter. I hope its a long one.