3Am MeNtAl BrEaK-dOwN

 

you know you have no right to feel this way, right?

what do you mean?

you're jealous. of her?

no. I'm mad at her. she's hurting people I care deeply for.

no. you're jealous that she's taking time away from you.

I mean, in a way, yes. but it's more of the way she's doing it. being conceited and only thinking about herself and her own happiness.

yeah. but she was here first. don't you think they would have confronted the problem by now? they are adults, right?

shut the fuck up. you don't understand. they care about her. they care so much they are willing to put her ahead of their own needs.

you were like that, you know. hell, that's how you lived for nearly 26 years. Then you went and tried to kill yourself. tried. you failed at that like you do everything else. you try to help, but all you do is make a bigger mess. you're not doing anyone any favors, you know.

I feel like I'm making some kind of difference...

well, why don't you confront her?

I have. multiple times. she won't listen to me.

so why don't you give her what she wants? it's the only reason she wanted you here in the first place. give it to her. make some peace.

that's not how this is suppose to work. if I give in, then she'll just keep up the same behavior, except I'll be personally wrapped up in it. I don't love her. I don't even like her right now. she has potential, if she could just care about anyone else..

fine. then just let it go. stop getting so fucking emotional over something that doesn't involve you.

don't you think I've tried?? I had a great time and talk with him tonight. the night was ending on a good note. but we can't be together, alone, for extended periods of time. it's not allowed. or at least she makes it seem that way. I was angry. I tried journaling. I went for a drive in the middle of the night for almost an hour; just going in circles. it helped, but I'm still so angry.

I don't get it. why care so much? why are you doing this to yourself? didn't you decide to be here to be happy? didn't you end a two year relationship for this?

don't fucking remind me! I hate myself for how much pain he was in. but the bad outweighed the good in that relationship. I was happy when I made the decision. I let my walls down for this family.

NO YOU HAVEN'T! you wouldn't do that for anyone. that one was with you for two years and he barely knew you! you've known these people for a couple months and you think you've let your walls down? well, you're in for a surprise. there are still things you don't remember, but let me help you with that. here's just a little something to remind you that you'll never let your walls down all the way. no one can earn that much trust so fast.

why are you doing this? I care about them. I just want them to be happy. but this empathy crap makes me feel just how much they're hurting. I mean, it's all over their faces too. I don't know how she doesn't fucking see it. everyone is miserable. including her. but she won't even try to change. she won't listen. it's like she thinks they're just trying to trick her or something.... why would you make me remember that?? fucking hell.... I care about them. and because I care, I want to protect them. I do this because I just want to help them. all of them. but I can't seem to get it right.

of course not. you suck at this. you've only ever torn people apart. your own families. the ones forced upon you, the ones you chose, and even the one you made. your son will never love you fully, you know. he'll be guarded. you abandoned him just like you complain about being abandoned. so you know how it feels, but you fucking did it anyway. didn't you?!

yes.

there we go. some acceptance will go a long way. so just let it go. let this go. they'll be getting rid of you soon too, I'm sure. you've been slacking on your chores. you're only ever really wanted around for one thing - to be used. just like that memory... you're nothing but a dirty ragdoll. 

not true! they're not like that. they appreciate and respect me! they care!

oh? do they, really?

I mean, I think so. 

what are you doing to yourself. you are just a tortured soul who tortures others without even trying.

...I know... but I want to help...

but you can't. you've never helped anyone. not in the long run. why don't you do everyone a favor, huh? what was it your niece said to you? "why don't you kill yourself the right way?"

no! just fucking stop! I'm not going back to that place. I am happy here. I am. it's just a bit complicated right now. things always find a way of working out. always.

never have before. things just seem good for a little bit, then go right back to sucking to the point where you start having fucked up conversations with yourself. you know theres a way for you to get through all this without suicide or harm. just flip the switch. don't let yourself feel anything. it'll all be better. and you won't be so angry when it happens again.

I can't. I hate when I can't feel. 

so you'd rather feel everyone's pain than nothing?

yes. if I can't feel pain, how can I feel happy.

when do you ever feel happy??

when they're happy. when I'm around him. the way he looks at me. the way he seems to already understand what's on my mind. hanging out with his other half. we share so many laughs over absolute nonsense. I can just be myself around them. and I'm not myself when the switch is flipped. I'm just a hollow shell. I won't do that.

fine. obviously I'm getting nowhere. but I'll be back for next time.