mY cOnClUsIoN

love doesn't exist... i hear it everywhere.. "i love you"... but, usually, shortly after, i see pain and hurt and suffering... hell, i've lived it. i can't trust anyone anymore. i trusted him. and he turns around and blames me for losing his job and his home.. when we were together he said that his boss was just an asshole, and that it was his uncle's fault that they didn't have the money to pay rent. so how the hell is it my fucking fault? i spent the day before crying for other reasons. then i get into a texting argument with him and i feel like punching a fucking hole in the wall.... i didn't.. and because i held myself back from punching something or someone, my anxiety went through the roof. i couldn't sit still, i couldn't think straight.. i'm not use to being angry.. it just doesn't happen with me, but when it does, i dont know how to handle it. its so hard to make me mad.. he's pissed off at me too. he said i lied to him and broke a promise i made to him..
he said i lied about our whole relationship. that i was lying when i said "i way he wanted me to, i broke it off. i didn't want to feel like i was actually lying to him. i feel like i did the right thing for me. and i've heard the same from friends that i talk to.
that promise i broke.. it was that i had promised him i would stay safe.. when he found out i was cutting again, he got pissed. but did he bother asking why i did it? did he bother asking what mad me sink so low that i broke a promise? he knows, and i explained to him in the beginning, promises mean something to me. they mean a lot. so me breaking it, its not like it was an easy choice. hell i wasn't fucking stable when i made the fucking decision. does he realize that i don't have my family anymore? that i miss them? that no matter what i do, i wont be able to make it right with them again? that my mom and dad are getting older and it scares me to death? that i feel like im fucking stuck, like i can't move forward? that i'm stuck on the past and the only way for me to even attempt pushing forward easily is to talk to my dad who doesn't want to see me anymore?.. hell, i dont blame him for not wanting to. i dont blame any of them. but it still fucking hurts. did he ask what happened that night? the night i snapped?.. no. so i couldn't tell him how depressed i was or that i had been attacked a couple hours before that. i couldn't tell him that i felt weak and alone and hurt. no. he jumped to conclusion and scolded me for breaking a fucking promise that i usually never make. hell, he could ask me friends. they've all tried to have me promise to stay safe, and i would always say "i promise to try". i thought i could do it when i made that promise to him. but i couldn't and for that i got shit on. so now its been about 3 days since the fight, and i'm still trying to cool down. i don't know what to do to not feel pissed off and anxious.
he tells me i'm blind and that i only date assholes. and that i purposely date them to put myself in bad or even harmful situations. he tells me that none of my ex's cared about me or loved me like he does.. well all i could think of was my wolfie.. i know he cares more and loves me more than this guy ever could. and he's been doing it for almost six years. five years of being my ex boyfriend and he still cares more and loves me more than he ever could. i also know that my wolfie wouldn't scold me for breaking a promise, at least not right away. not until he heard the reasons behind it.
i hate this. i hate being mad. i take it out on who ever is near me. i just snap at them because i dont have control of my anger. i dont have control because its so hard to make me mad, thus i rarely get mad. and at the moment i dont know how to make it stop...
with each passing day i grow more anxious because he wants to sit down and talk to me. after that texting war, i can only assume how well any conversation is going to go in person. and it scares me. so i'm looking forward to seeing him to get it over with, but at the same time, i dont want to do it. i dont want to get into a fight with him becauses i know i'll end up crying. and im sure he'll feel accomplished if he sees me cry after trying to guilt trip me into getting back together with him.
so i have come to the conclusion that love doesn't exist....

lOsT, lYiNg, StUcK fAiLuRe

so, i'm bad with verbally talking. i can write, no problem. but people keep asking me whats wrong, and i can't say, because i can't put my jumbled thoughts into words...
i feel lost. so lost. i don't even know where to begin. i look at all the people around me and can't help but think of how lucky they are. they have a family that cares and supports them. yeah, they have their fights, their arguments, but they push through it and work through it together. i was abandoned. or thats how i feel. and yeah, i'm living with an amazing family that cares about me. but they can't fill that hole that i have. i want to find home, but i'm too lost to do so. my home is a half hour away, and there is no way that they would welcome me back, as much as i wish they would..
i also feel stuck. like i can't move forward because i'm so stuck on the past. so many things happened and i don't know how to cope. i dont know how to get past it. i mean, i have an idea.. but it's highly unlikely that it will happen. i want to see my dad, but he doesn't want to see me. he is my closure. if i could just hear him say that he loves me and cares, still. i could start moving forward. but i have to be in the same room as him. i can't get anything but words out of an email. there is no emotion in an email. i need to see his face, his eyes. i need to hear how he says every word. i want real proof, i want to actually see on his face that he misses me, that he cares, that he loves me. emails are good so that i know that he is at least thinking of me.. but then again, i haven't heard from him in over a month.. in a way i feel scared to move forward. scared that i'll mess up again. i need a job so i can get my health insurance. so i can go to the doctors. so i can pay the insurance on my car. so i can buy a new laptop. i'm relying on everyone to do my dirty work, and i feel like a selfish bitch. i can't get over it. every time i ask my friends dad for allowance, i feel like a bother, like i'm taking advantage. its why i try not to even bring it up, or remind him. and when i do get it, i usually use it for the benefit of others, to try helping myself feel better. like i put gas in my friend's car, or give it to a friend for gas money when we hang out.
i feel like a failure. i feel that my dad would be disappointed at who i've become. he did the things he did to keep me safe, and yet, i'm still cutting. i thought i was over that phase. i thought i could cope in other ways, but i just can't. when i do it now, its like i'm back home. and i remember all the dozens of times i did it. and how my dad was there for me. no matter what. yeah, i'm not doing many cuts, but they are getting deeper. and i think its because the pain is getting deeper as well. it's been close to two years since i last saw my dad. and i mean, really see him. not just driving by in a parking lot.
i feel like a liar as well. i'm constantly walking around with a fake smile on my face. putting on an act for the benefit of the people around me. no one really knows how i feel. no one really would be able to know. i can't talk. i'm so bad at it. and i hate it. but i can't talk. i'll write, but who has the time, or patience to read what i have to say. who would care enough to do so anyway. i'm a lost, lying failure who can't move forward. what is there to love. i use to think i could see what others see in me. but i can't anymore. i'm losing it. and i dont know what to do.