i feel lost. so lost. i don't even know where to begin. i look at all the people around me and can't help but think of how lucky they are. they have a family that cares and supports them. yeah, they have their fights, their arguments, but they push through it and work through it together. i was abandoned. or thats how i feel. and yeah, i'm living with an amazing family that cares about me. but they can't fill that hole that i have. i want to find home, but i'm too lost to do so. my home is a half hour away, and there is no way that they would welcome me back, as much as i wish they would..
i also feel stuck. like i can't move forward because i'm so stuck on the past. so many things happened and i don't know how to cope. i dont know how to get past it. i mean, i have an idea.. but it's highly unlikely that it will happen. i want to see my dad, but he doesn't want to see me. he is my closure. if i could just hear him say that he loves me and cares, still. i could start moving forward. but i have to be in the same room as him. i can't get anything but words out of an email. there is no emotion in an email. i need to see his face, his eyes. i need to hear how he says every word. i want real proof, i want to actually see on his face that he misses me, that he cares, that he loves me. emails are good so that i know that he is at least thinking of me.. but then again, i haven't heard from him in over a month.. in a way i feel scared to move forward. scared that i'll mess up again. i need a job so i can get my health insurance. so i can go to the doctors. so i can pay the insurance on my car. so i can buy a new laptop. i'm relying on everyone to do my dirty work, and i feel like a selfish bitch. i can't get over it. every time i ask my friends dad for allowance, i feel like a bother, like i'm taking advantage. its why i try not to even bring it up, or remind him. and when i do get it, i usually use it for the benefit of others, to try helping myself feel better. like i put gas in my friend's car, or give it to a friend for gas money when we hang out.
i feel like a failure. i feel that my dad would be disappointed at who i've become. he did the things he did to keep me safe, and yet, i'm still cutting. i thought i was over that phase. i thought i could cope in other ways, but i just can't. when i do it now, its like i'm back home. and i remember all the dozens of times i did it. and how my dad was there for me. no matter what. yeah, i'm not doing many cuts, but they are getting deeper. and i think its because the pain is getting deeper as well. it's been close to two years since i last saw my dad. and i mean, really see him. not just driving by in a parking lot.
i feel like a liar as well. i'm constantly walking around with a fake smile on my face. putting on an act for the benefit of the people around me. no one really knows how i feel. no one really would be able to know. i can't talk. i'm so bad at it. and i hate it. but i can't talk. i'll write, but who has the time, or patience to read what i have to say. who would care enough to do so anyway. i'm a lost, lying failure who can't move forward. what is there to love. i use to think i could see what others see in me. but i can't anymore. i'm losing it. and i dont know what to do.
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