TaLkInG tO mYsElF aGaIn

 I'm trying.

I'm trying so hard.

Leave it be, Sarah.

Nothing more you can do.

Wake up. let the big girls out. feed the rabbit. let the small girl out. put the dog breakfast down. feed the chickens. let the girls in to eat. have a smoke. get dressed. check laundry level. do dishes. maybe clean something. distract yourself. play music. drown out the world that seems to be continuously crumbling around you.

I hate this.

The constant frustration.

Walking on eggshells.

The constant repetitive arguments.

Just one good day. its all I wanted. just the one. it looked promising, a wonderful date night. but not my luck. not my life. no. but I'm not the only one suffering. it's not fair. how can someone want things to be peaceful then turn around and look for drama. look for something to complain about? you said you want us to be happy. well, that's not possible if you can't let go. it's just not. I guess that's fine for you because you continue to get what you want. no worries there.

Stop it.

Not your place.

You have no say in this.

Shut up.

Yet I need to let it out. I need to say something. I know, its the same shit, different day. I get it. it sucks. neck, shoulders and back feel ready to break. so much tension. vitamins aren't doing their job. headaches everyday, still. can barely move most days, but I push through it and hope no one notices. been taking up enough of everyone's time. keep to myself, its safer that way. no one else gets hurt by your words. 

Still not your place.

Keep your mouth shut.

You're making things worse.

Focus on yourself.

how does one focus on not being stressed in a stress-filled environment? continue walking on eggshells. things will work out, right? could try meditating. being wanted to be social, yet all I want to do is hide in my room where I can't cause anymore problems. no stress if I don't get involved, right? no. it finds me. it always does.

Keep your head down.

Keep your mouth shut.

Try to only be visible when wanted.

You've got this.