It's been a good day. I slept about 9 hours. I got up and got dressed. I went on a work trip with my love. Driving around. I slept a couple times in the van. We talked about nothing. We laughed. We ate. I made it through the day. I did it. I kept up the mask today. As much as I wanted to curl up and stay home in bed. As much as I wanted to just not get up. I just wanted to lay there are cry. I got up. I functioned. Good for me. I did what any normal person has to do on a daily basis. I feel shitty for feeling proud. Especially since I did all this and got home to feel just as shitty as when I woke. I just want to cry. I just want to curl up and not wake up. I just want all the damn tension to be gone.
I think the main issue is, when I got home, jokes were made at my expense. Calling me blonde because I got the foods mixed up. If I weren't already so on edge around you, maybe I could have laughed along with you. But instead it felt more like you were laughing at me. And just the other night you claimed we shouldn't talk and that you're not comfortable around me. And I heard the follow up when I didn't give you the response You wanted, "I guess someone can't take a joke". I heard you. But you want to joke with me? I can not handle this back and forth. I've been doing my part. I've stayed away. I've tried to stay alone so you have "your people" all to yourself. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone about playing with my ritual knife. I wasn't going to tell anyone about wanting to run it down my arm. I wasn't going to say anything about part of me wanting to plunge it through my gut. I wasn't going to tell anyone that I had nightmares about actually following through with it. I don't want the attention like you do. And I don't want to stand in your way.
I don't want to worry anyone. To do that, I keep my mask on. I play the part and it's like I am fine. It's like I'm actually happy. No one has to worry. No one has to suspect... However, I did tell them. I told them most of it. I told them my thoughts. I told them most of it. For safety reasons alone. I don't want the attention you hope to get. I want to actually get help and fix my mental health, not find loopholes so a professional isn't sought out. I actually want to be better. I can't let myself be brought so low by someone who doesn't see their own faults. I need to stay strong...
But another day down where everything is technically fine. I mean, today was better throughout the day because I was out and about with someone who did everything he could to keep me smiling and comfortable. And now I am sitting here wishing for... well nothing good. I slept last night, but I woke exhausted again. I kept my mask in place today and also felt happy for the most part. But I am still struggling to hang on. I hate it. I hate it so damn much. I just want to live somewhere and for once feel absolutely comfortable and not like a goddamn target. But it was a good day. Right?
@}~
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