mOrTaLiTy

Mortality is something that crosses everyone's mind, especially the later in life you get. I think about it on a near daily basis. 

Sometimes it's my own. Will I make it through today? Is that car that's swerving going to hit me? Is today the day I end it myself? I don't like how dark my mind gets. I have kind of grown accustomed to it. It's just how my brain programmed itself over the many years of abuse and neglect. There are days I am just tired. Tired of being tired. It's near daily, but I function. I can do my chores. I can care for the dogs, for my people, for my child. I'm starting to get back in the swing of things. I see at least another week of pain and discomfort after pregnancy, but then I should be able to fully function the way I am supposed to. To take pressure off my people. I know it's not normal to thi k about or imagine your own death on a daily basis, especially when you're only just getting into your 30s. But I've always done it. I always have a plan. I just keep it tucked away. I keep it away from the people I care about. I don't want to die. It's just in my head. 

Sometimes it's my peoples'. I chose to be with people that have more milage than me. I chose to create a life with them. I chose to love them. I believe age is just a number. I've never related with anyone more than I have with them. Maybe I'm just more mature than most for my age. I don't know. But I've never wanted people in my life as much as I want them. As much as I need them. Knowing how much farther in life they are scares me. I catch myself wondering what I'm going to do with myself when they're gone. I try not to keep on that train of thought for too long, though. If I do I break down. I can't imagine what life would be like losing either one of them. I have no idea how I would cope. They are my people. They have my heart and soul. I would break if I lost either of them. Daily I realize it. I try to plan what I might do, where I might go if they go before me. 

Here I go again, crying. Thinking I could lose them one day. It hurts. It makes me feel like a hole is forming in my soul. But that's life. I do my best to just cherish the time I do have with them. Everyday I convince myself that they'll be here forever. That nothing can take them from me. We have so many adventures to experience together. So many memories to make. I won't let mortality define who I love; who I choose to spend my life with.