LaCk Of ReSt

Everyday has felt like a chore lately. I go to bed drained and wake up exhausted. Yes, there has been conflict, but not enough to merit such a strong spell of depression. But I don't let it stop me. I wear a mask most days. A nice smile that keeps the questions at bay. I'm not ok, but I can't say it because I have no cause to it, I just am. I need a reason to feel so low. The most common thing I catch myself thinking, "I hate this. I hate me." And this has been eating at me and draining me further. I just want to sleep and rest. I want to feel refreshed. But I'm so low that my unconscious mind is unable to let me rest. And it's a vicious cycle. At this point caffeine spikes my anxiety, but that's it. It increases my heart rate, I have a physical reaction but I don't feel anymore awake. I try napping, but I can't. I lay in bed with my eyes closed just listening to the sounds around me and thinking. Always thinking. I could take a sleep aid. It'll knock me out, but I'll wake feeling just as tired as before I slept. I just want to relax, to sleep, to feel refreshed. Part of me feels scared, but I can't place why and I have nothing that's happened to cause any fear. Yet there it sits heavy on my chest. This fear of...I don't even know. Oh how I wish I did. I hate not understanding my mind. I need to know or I get more anxious, more upset. This depression is getting to be too much. I don't want it rubbing off on anyone. And my mask is getting more difficult to keep fully sealed on my face. The truth is seeping through, I can feel it. I'm too tired to pretend I'm ok. I continue to try, to force it for the sake of everyone else. Only because I care. I want to cry, but my eyes hurt from all the crying and lack of rest. I want to curl up and not move, but I have things that need to get done. I just want to stay in bed all day, but I know it'll make some worry. I just need to sleep. I just want to fucking rest..