oVeRwHeLmEd

I woke up. I did my chores. I sit alone in my bed unable to move. Unable to really function. My anxiety so high with no real reason. I cry. It doesn't help. It makes the hole feel bigger. So damn drained. I find myself questioning my purpose again. It's not healthy. I don't know what to do. I just want to function properly. I just want things to be peaceful again. Progress is made followed by ten steps backward. I don't know how to keep living this way. Relapsing is in the front of my mind. I won't, but it's there. I need to acknowledge it or it'll eat at me until I break. So it is there. I may cry again, but I don't think I have any tears left. As much as I am loved and cared for by two, the one with hatred is so overwhelming it makes the light so hard to see. I try to help and I'm still wrong, I'm still terrible, I'm still a monster. I try to help and I end up triggered, I end up haunted, I end up drained, I end up wishing it was all just over. 

I hate me. No matter where I go, no matter who takes me in, I end up the monster, the target, the hated. It's not just that, though. It's all with such force that I can't see through it, past it. I can't see all the good. It's overwhelming. I've done well training myself to see the good, to look for the silver lining in everyday. But it's getting so damn hard. I still end up waking from a restless night, doing my chores, and wondering why the hell I'm even alive...