SeVeN

 I am at a point where I hate me. I hate what I've done to get where I am. Only in the sense of my son. I abandoned him. I left him behind... I can't believe he's seven today.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was happy. I was excited to start a family with his father. I stayed with my surrogate dad until he was born. After staying in the hospital a couple days I moved in with him. It was great. He was such a good baby. Slept through all kinds of noise. His father seemed to be attentive to me and his son. Although looking back I recognize how much more time I spent with our son. But I was a stay at home mom at the time with his father hinting at me getting a job. Even though his mother, whom supposedly also worked was living with us. But too many times we were evicted. 

I trusted my son's father enough to move halfway across the country to live in his home state. Our vehicle got repo'd. I came home from grocery shopping one day to find all of our belongings in trash bags all over the apartment. But I stuck by him. I did not want to split my family up. Money was always an issue. I wanted to stay home and with my son all the time. I did not want to work. Sure, it kinda sounds bad, but stay at home mom is a thing. I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to prove to myself that I could care for him like I never was. All the pictures I took drove people crazy sometimes. He was just too cute! Like every mom would say about their child. But he really was. I created this happy little child. I was so proud. I helped him walk. I taught him to dress himself before he was two. I helped him. I cared for him. I love him. I hate the distance. I hate the betrayal I feel with his father. 

I swore to myself when I concieved, that I would never take him from his father. He had already lost his first child through aweful means. The mother took off with his son and he never heard from them again. I swore I wouldn't do that to him.

I had to leave, though. I couldn't stand his mother. I couldn't stand him anymore. He made me feel like I was nothing. Everything was my fault. I couldn't ask about finances. I couldn't do much. And I was suicidal. Almost daily. Even with therapy. My therapist was proud of me for leaving. So I must have done something right. Even though I lost most of the people I was close to when I left my son behind. I didn't trust that I was a good enough mother, anyway. So the promise I made to myself worked out for the better, I suppose.

I can't believe he's seven today, though. I can't help but feel I failed him. He doesn't seem happy. I mean, he lights up when he sees me... I dont know. I just wish I could hold him. I just wish his father would hold up his end. He agreed to let him visit me this year. I've only traveled to him. And I've had to stay at their apartment because I couldn't afford a car and hotel/motel. It was so uncomfortable. I was so uneasy the whole time. Never alone with my son either. I was always being watched with him. I hated it. And now he's canceled having our son visit me...

I don't intend on talking shit about his father to him. I don't intend on turning him against his father. I don't want to run off with him. I don't want to cause any trouble, any stress. I just want to be able to see him on my terms for once. I hate me. I hate that I gave up. Maybe I should have just tried to end myself again when it didn't work a couple years ago....

But I love where I am. I love my people. My husband. My sistahwife. I love them. I love who I am around them. Who I've grown to be... But right now. In this drunken moment.... I hate me. I am a screwup. Its a matter of time before I do the same thing here....

Fuck... I miss him so much. My little man... He was two when I left.... I can't believe he's seven..